Disease 1 – Job 0

I’m a school teacher. I’ve been doing it for 27 years. And I lost. At least that is the way it feels. I fought this entire year and I finally couldn’t do it anymore. I was teaching high school math in an inner-city school in the midwest. It’s not Chicago – I’ve taught there. I’d take it over where I am.

I just couldn’t do it anymore. I looked around at all the other teachers and thought that …. well, I thought a lot of really negative shit about myself. And, in the end, I’m just not strong enough to deal with the crap the kids were slingin’.

We have academies in the 9th grade  where I was. And, I had the lowest functioning group. 1st grade reading level forced by my state to teach them Algebra. It’s tough when the curriculum is a reading based curriculum. But that isn’t even the problem. The discipline issues are nuts. And in the end…. I just couldn’t deal with them. I just couldn’t handle it anymore.

The anxiety was too overpowering and I was unable to walk into my room. A room full of 14 year olds. Intellectually I was furious with myself knowing that I was letting kids dictate my future. I felt like a little kid. I still feel like one now.

My illness won. After 27 years of battling mornings of anxiety and fear… it finally took over and I have finally lost.

Everyone tells me that my health is more important. I realize that it is. But when you fight daily for so long it feels like you have lost everything. I don’t care what anyone says. And there isn’t a medicine in the world that can fix that.

I don’t know if I will go back. I don’t know if I can… the option has to be there by law. So much is wrapped up into that…. I’m sure they don’t want me back. What emotions will be there next year……. I can’t really deal with it right now. I’m just not strong enough for it.

I just don’t know…… I know that I feel like I have lost to a disease that I have been fighting my entire life.  That is all I know right now.

 

4 thoughts on “Disease 1 – Job 0

  1. I’m a teacher too and also struggle with a mental health illness. I have been through exactly what you are describing. That anger with yourself for letting a class of teens win, it is soul-destroying. I just wanted you to know you aren’t alone.

  2. Hi Jamilouise 😊 It’s so nice to see you again! I’m sorry you’re feeling the weighted burden of anxiety and fear and that it’s reeking havoc with your life again. All I can say is to be kind to yourself and don’t make this about your inability to cope. I think you’re coping fine. And you’re aware enough to understand and recognize your limitations. That’s not a weakness. It’s a strength. So many people keep tossing themselves back into the fire! What’s the point of that? And at the end of the day, what is the cost to you and is it worth it? Be compassionate with yourself and talk to yourself as you would a friend. If you knew someone going thru what you’re going thru what would you say to them? I think we are far harder in ourselves than we need to be and sometimes it’s that voice, the inner critic, that does more harm than any external force could ever do. You’re a strong woman, a beautiful loving soul and it’s okay not to be friggin superwoman! 😉 Hugz sweetie. I hope you stay ❌⭕️

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