What if I decided to trust him 100%?
What if I decided to never talk to that person ever again?
What if I decided to walk into that meeting like it didn’t matter if those people thought my hair was a hot mess and my chosen outfit came out of an 1980’s throwback closet – except I didn’t know I was throwin’ back?
What if …
What if I woke up one morning and chose to accept that I could? That I could control the Paranoia Patol?
I have had issues all my life. Welcome to the club. But, Paranoia has been the biggest Bitch of them all.
It has created the most anxiety. It has caused more problems with relationships – of all kinds. It has ruined multiple jobs…. It has controlled my life in so many ways.
It just comes barreling into my life like a bulldozer and says “No, no, no! I don’t care what you think! You are wrong!”
I don’t care how in “control” of my bipolar/borderline I think I am -obviously I’m not it takes over. In fact, the better I feel, the worse my paranoia gets.
It’s like mental health has to be outta whack all the time…. Something has to be messed up.
Or maybe paranoia just naturally comes out of that? After fighting it for so many years your like “no way can I be feeling good! Something has to be fucked up. Let me find it!” And, if I can’t find I’ll create the shit! Oh, I am good at that!
So lately, I have been repeating those two phrases above to myself when I start to question my boyfriend – or when I have that urge to talk to the person who is really not good for me. Is it helping? Long term? No clue. My anxiety sure seems to subside though. And, we all understand how awesome it is to NOT have to deal with that little bitch of a problem.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been here to write. Feels good to be back and get some things down.