Sat back down again and here I was…
and here I am.
And that has been my summer.
I set out to really just figure my shit out. I figured I’m 49 – maybe I should do that? I created enough mess with all these guys that surely there was something else. I thought… I’ll just go out this summer and “have fun”. Well, I did. … I think.
And….. in the end…. Nothing impressive.
I had fun. I am tired. I have nothing exciting to show for it… except two very cool tattoos… 🙂 No, I was not drunk – I don’t drink.
I think I did determine that I’m not a nuts as I thought I was (I was completely sane when I got the tattoos – they have meaning – of course). I also determined that there are a whole lot of people out there that are crazier than I am! And, I’m not entirely sure that many of them are aware of it. And… I totally mean that with a loving and caring heart.
I didn’t cry much this summer. Which is a first. At times, I was very lonely… but it wasn’t so bad. I was busy doing God knows what so I didn’t have time to wallow in it. And, maybe I wasn’t sad and that’s why I didn’t cry. So… lonely doesn’t always equal sad? And maybe it wasn’t lonely… um… no, it was lonely. I don’t know.
I did change meds a few times and worked myself right out of that suicidal issue I was having – Thank God. That sucked ass! Sorry, but there is no other way to put that.
Hmmmm… I don’t know. School starts again Tuesday. I will have a new bunch of teenagers. Who does this to themselves?
In the end… I don’t feel any stronger than I did when I started the summer. Wait… maybe I do. I should. I did some good things for myself boundary-wise. I’m learning. I don’t think we ever stop learning. I don’t want to ever stop. I don’t want to ever stop growing up.
I don’t think there are any rules about that specifically? Thank God for that. I’ll just keep standin’ up! I’m gonna be that old woman in those movies with those hoochie shorts on and that bad hair dye job in those bars…. haha…
No… well, maybe… No! I fucking hope not. 🙂
Oh… good to be back.