This song’s for you!!!

[Note: I talk about emotional pain and not really knowing what to do with it. I whine ALOT. I am new to the struggle with suicide. Please understand that as you read this. If you continue. If you do not I understand please have a safe day.]

Funny thing about abandonment… at least the way it works in my life. I cause it.

I push and push until no one can stand to be around me and then I wonder what the fuck happened… where the fuck did everyone go?

I’m fairly confident that it didn’t start this way. But trying to figure it out is useless in moving forward today.

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It doesn’t matter. The boys evacuated themselves from my life for good. They told me they cannot put up with my Bipolar VooDoo any longer.

The point is that they aren’t coming back and it’s a very good thing because I never had the control to turn them away when they were coming back. Neither of them are pillars of society anyway…

Now I need to find myself. As cliche as that sounds it’s as honest as I can be.

I don’t know how to do this. I have been in groups and can talk the talk. (when I wasn’t stuck on the merry-go-round with the demons and angels in my head) Those rides aren’t always horrible. Sometimes they are fun and that’s why I would and still do get lost in them. I have searched books and the internet. I’ve gone through therapists and drugs. FYI: I’ll stay on the medicine and continue with Therapy man.

But I am lost and so scared. The pain is so deep that I’ve actually just recently, after almost 30 years of dealing with this disease, turned to suicide as a means to escape it. Fortunately I haven’t succeeded.

I come to this place for release. I leave this place… WordPress… and I come back… and leave. I have some that I can’t get away from and others I can’t read at all because they trigger so much pain. Everyone is written in such a special way  – that is why I follow them. There is a little piece of wonderful in each of you that keeps me going. I’ve been in so much pain that leaving comments has been too hard.

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There is this scene in the first of the Divergent series where Tris has to make a decision…  in one of the early scenes she has to jump. She doesn’t know what she’s jumping into. She just has to leap. And so she does… she jumps into nothingness… No doubt scared as hell!

You guys here… are my “nothingness”. I don’t know you at all. I put my words out here for you. I trust you with them. They are intimate. They are scary. They are things I would not tell just anyone. You are what I jump into every time. I don’t know you. But, I jump. I leave my words. And then I go. You are my only Ok.

I believe in God. But he in NOT my Ok. I’m not sure I will ever reconcile with him. But I have to figure out how to move on with my life. How to find out who I really am. And I do that by talking through it. Most of the conversations I try to have with God end up very bad. So I come here instead. It’s just easier. I know that I can leave it here… Let Go and Let You…

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Staying away from people who make me feel I am hard to love is what this is all about. It’s the core of abandonment for me. I think I have established and re-established that this disease sucks. The paranoia for me is one of the worst. I don’t believe anyone really loves me – most of all myself. I’m hard to love. So I stay away from myself? I stay away from everyone? Actually, I give people a try until I sense they don’t or can’t or won’t love me? And then I fuck it up – consciously or not… I fuck it up.

It doesn’t matter though.

I was telling my sister that I hurt so badly. The emotional pain is like I’m peeling my skin… Good news is that in a way I can feel the new skin underneath coming through. But, yeah… it’s that pain. And, it’s deep. So deep.

In past posts I have talked about the new path that comes out of breakdowns. That we don’t get better. We just start over….

I have to really figure it out this time. LOL. Don’t we always say that? I know I have. I just keep going around and around the hamster wheel and it’s wearing me out. I’m so tired. I think that’s what is getting to me this time. Really breaking me down. Really getting to my head and telling me that there is just no reason to keeping going on.

It will just happen again.

The emotional pain. I suppose I shouldn’t come here and say these things because it might trigger someone. But this is what I come here to do. NOT TRIGGER PEOPLE.. But to write.

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Breathing sounds beautiful… wish it were that simple. Actually it is. It really is that simple. I know it is. I need to slow down and make it that simple. I know what I need for myself. I just wish I would let myself do it.

So I start out.. again.. the path. I have wondered if maybe I couldn’t just start my own book? Write my own book. But, I feel like I would be disrespecting the true writers out there who actually have talent and should be writing books for those of us in need.

I don’t know….

This is me… Thank you for being my “OK”, friends. Thank you for keeping me coming back here. For reminding me that it isn’t as bad as I think it is. For reminding me that I am strong enough to get through it. That I can make it to tomorrow 🙂 This song is for all of you!!!

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I was standing on the edge
I’d long for a new beginning
But I couldn’t look down, but I couldn’t look down
I’m a coward

A million voices screamed in my head
And I felt sure that I would give in
So why couldn’t I now? Why couldn’t I now?
Your voice was louder

By design God gave me feelings
And by design they shall not kill
But when the noises overwhelm me
I feel sure that they will

Oh, liberation, comes in whatever form to save me
I am burdened, and then the whisper comes
You whisper in the breeze
Whispers that I’m needing
Quiet words, soothe the hurt, whisperer

And though I struggle through the days now
It helps to know that you are listening
So I just wait it out
I’ll wait this out, by the hour

By design God gave me feelings
And by design they shall not kill
But when the noises overwhelm me
I feel sure that they will

Oh, liberation, comes in whatever form to save me
I am burdened, and then the whisper comes
You whisper in the breeze
Whispers that I’m needing
Quiet words, soothe the hurt, whisperer

19 thoughts on “This song’s for you!!!

  1. I love you, Jami. You are beautiful, inside and out.

    And get this….guess what?
    You are a WRITER!
    You’re a blogger as well, but you are a bona fide, lyrical, passionate, powerful, provocative, evocative AMAZINGASS writer!!! A book about the woman who once played jazz with a legend, and what happened to her….I want to read it if you write it!

    Yes, stay on the medicine and stay with Therapy Man, and “whine” (I consider it to be venting)
    as much as you want. I want to read your book someday if that kind of project speaks to you.

    Remember, it’s YOUR blog! Vent, whine, examine disturbing stuff (you’re kind enough to give us a TW) do all of that withouot any guilt, okay? Much, much XOXOOXO
    Dy

  2. p.s. just to reiterate this…you are a TRUE WRITER and your book would have MAJOR VALUE to a shitload of people! Yep, “eloquent” is my middle name! 😉 (“potty mouth” is more like it!)

  3. deepbluesandseafoamgreens

    You’re a tremendously beautiful, gifted soul whose stresses and boulders life’s thrown at can never define you nor can they break you. It might feel like they can, but when you feel like you’re peeling away, allow time for rejuvenation.

    HUGS MA FRIEND. This made me tear up (no telling! It’s a secret!)

  4. Well,well, well. My little girl is growing up. You know how I can tell? Your photo. Two things I learned from it. You have teeth and you know how to smile. God, life is good 🙂

    Jami, you are entering a new phase in your journey. Not an easy one but thankfully you are able to talk about it without the tantrums (I’m ok with them, it’s your world you are letting us into and we have to take the good and the bad and the ugly) Maybe this phase of your life is starting to wake you up to what living is all about.

    I love you more with each entry. With this post you are opening your heart to us and for that I am so grateful.

    Maybe this is not relevant to what you are going through or experiencing but I just finished reading a book, a memoir co-written by an lifetime prisoner and his editor on the outside. As I read the book I was having a hard time seeing if there was going to be a happy ending knowing this man will never be released from prison, similar in some ways of those who may suffer from lifelong mental illnesses or physical handicaps.

    As the ending of the book approached the external co-author added these thoughts that not only helped prepare me for the ending of the book but something I could also apply in my life. I will share this with you not for the benefit of giving advice but maybe it can help you as it helped me think about what can keep us going forward.

    She writes, ” One of my gurus, Rev. Michael Beckwith, has a great question for people who are going through extra tough times. The question is this: “If you knew that your current situation was going to continue indefinitely, what quality would you need to mine out and cultivate in order to make it so that life felt good for you?”

    Could writing your story be on that short list?

    When I wrote about my son’s suicide I was still struggling and grieving even after 6 years. Writing my story even only in blog form helped me to stop grieving. Although it was self medication it did wonders and even helped a few people along the way.

    Never underestimate the power of your personal story.

    Love you Jami and I personally am so thankful I am getting to know you (via this blog of yours). Stick around my friend, you just might be pleasantly surprised that there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for those who believe in fairy tales. I do.

    Sammy

    1. I do have teeth. Lol. Growing is inevitable. .. growing UP is the hard part. I feel like a prisoner. I think a lot of us with diseases do… I am trying to figure out what I have inside of me right now worth mining out actually. I thoughy maybe I might figure it out in the process of writing in this journal… but I just keep spinning around the hamster wheel.
      Right now I am mopping up after the mess I’ve made over the last 48 years… maybe I’ll find something. I found that picture. Thought you might like it 😉
      Love you dearly, Sammy. Thank you for your strength and prayers and smiles… and most of all your honesty! And, I do, very much, believe in fairy tales!

  5. hey baby girl! been out of the loop for a bit, but came back to find you here…chatting…venting…purging…and talking the talk as only you can do 😉 this ain’t no easy road and i doubt it will truly get much easier lol. good days bad days ok days and so so days and once in a while a super fucking fantastic day! but it is what it is and it is what you make it. i know you know. i know you more then i think you might know 😉 feeling lost and alone and even suicidal are not new feelings to me…and i have all but given up on conversing with god, but when we do finally me, i have a mouthful waiting for her lol. all i can tell you is what i tell myself. one day at a time. feel what you feel. explore it. move in it. sink and cry in it for a little if you have too. then let it go and move into the next feeling with a little more focus on something happier and more positive. can be a small and as HUGE as hey, i survived that last few minutes and the world didn’t crumble…let’s do it again…and then again. and before you know it, you feel a shift. hopefully it’s a good shift that will lead to another good shift and so on. the blues suck. depression is a beast. and thoughts of suicide can really put a damper on what could otherwise be a beautiful day! 😉 you rock. you have in you what you seek. i really believe that! you have inspired, moved me and made me laugh. i love you ability to see from the inside and the out. not always an easy thing to do. sooooo…keep laughing. keep moving and shifting and LIVING…and most of all, keep loving Jamie. cuz we out here in OK wordpressland DO. hugz baby. keep talking. someone is always listening 😉 xo

  6. Hey Jamie, we both seemed to go off line at the same time. I like taking breaks from blogging. It helps restore some perspective. I only check each day to see if you had something to say. I worry about you sometimes, think of you often and miss your smiles. I truly hope you are coping ok and continuing to take each day as a step forward toward your dreams come true, “Finding Peace”, Much love your friend, Sammy

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