Here’s the problem.  I’m afraid of myself!

I’m in Chicago right now waiting for Therapy Man to do his thing. I just officially broke up with Danger Boy this morning. I’m not sure how that will go. I have never done that before. It’s always been him and it has always existed around some sort of shit storm. No shit storm this time (yet). I just got tired of him… um, I  think. Chasing him or whatever game it was we were playing because in the end it was just sex and I was losing regardless… good sex or not.

Ironically,  he got me right where he wanted me to be…. he kept saying, after 3 years of it, that it was just sex and I kept saying it had to be more… finally I agree with him and I’m not interested anymore. He should have just let me do me. Boys are dumb.

How does all of this make me realize that I’m afraid of myself?

It doesn’t.

The rest of my week does. And, the rest of my week is so effing crazy that I’m not entirely sure where to start or even sure if it matters if I do.

I do know that as I begin to remove people from my life I am realizing that all I have left is me…  as I was driving to Chicago it occured to me that I scare the shit out of myself. I’m a goodish person. But, I am crazy as hell. It’s very well documented! I’m not sure I can deal with myself… that is why I let so many awful people in.  Hell, I will let anyone in – case in point.. Danger Boy!

I don’t know.  People do not stay in my life for a reason. If others don’t stay how long am I expected to? I drive others crazy? Are you pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down here people? I am not an easy person to deal with, obviously!

I think you get it… I’m off for therapy. 

9 thoughts on “

    1. I think of you all of the time. Not in a creepy way. I have been having a horrible time emotionally lately with these guys and I know it’s my fault. They are gone now. Their choice. My illness drove them both away. And that’s good because they are not good. I need to take my life back. I keep searching for something telling me how to do that… I wonder if maybe writing it myself (???) might be what I need to do… then I think of you because I know I am not a writer like you are. I don’t have your gift. I feel like even suggesting is an insult. But, dy…. I don’t know a better process to get my life back???? Help me friend. I am so lost and scared right now.

      1. Oh Jami, I just found this comment, I’m so sorry to reply late…. and my heart is breaking to read about how lost & scared you felt the other day; I hope yo’re feeling MUCH better today. I’ll go read the post you published (it’s Sunday the 14th) to find out what’s the latest, honey. I think of you often and I’m honored and moved that you do the same with me and that doesn’t sound creepy at all – you are a soul sister and is your dog is my soul hound besides Lucy!!!! You WILL take your life back. All is not lost!!!! You asked me to help and I would say that you’re right, you figured it out all on your own….writing can help and what’s this about your not being a writer?? You ARE a writer!! You ARE a GIFTED, expressive, passionate, fearless writer at that!!!!!!!! Please start writing! Let me know how you’re doing! XOXOOXOXO p.s. Even though I’m agnostic I’m praying for you, girl. HARD. Love you!

  1. Pingback: From Eden… | Missing Peace

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