I am not downgrading physical pain at all. I am thankful that I have always been able to control it. Emotional pain… not so much. Emotional pain causes great destruction in my life.
On a scale of 1 to 10 today I am a 12 emotionally. I figure I won’t over exaggerate just to make my point. I have abandonment issues as I figure many of us here do. Step one to abandoning Jami is to ignore her. Fucking drives me up a tree.
I’ve talked about my my mother spending a lot of my childhood behind a closed door on the back porch. It was her coping skill. Who said coping skills always yielded good results? That one didn’t… it was the start of some serious issues for me.
It doesn’t matter if I tell the story of what has caused this anger today or not. What matters right now is that I don’t destroy things. I don’t destroy relationships… don’t destroy property… don’t destroy the path that I have walked to get where I am today. That’s the important thing.
My last post I bitched about people giving up on therapists and therapy. Just so ya know… that was the first thing I did. I contacted him. Then I took medicine and curled up in a ball until he called me. Thank God he had an opening and could call me. We have a plan… a list. He loves lists. I suppose I should also, but they tend to stress me out a bit and … eh…. We’ll see if I can stick to it.
In the past, I have talked about how we don’t get “better” when we have a mental illness… how we can stumble and fall and then get up and learn to walk again… maybe walk a new and better path. Understanding that we… that I… don’t get cured was a bitch for me. Accepting that this pain that I am feeling comes like it does… it sucks and I so much want to just run from it and do everything I can to not let it happen.
Every path I take will lead to some kind of pain – some kind of letting go – regardless. It will always lead to people letting me down in some way. I think people do that in some fashion or another… maybe I have too high of expectations. Maybe, I surround myself with people who have very low standards because I don’t feel like I deserve to be around people any better. Maybe… this is just life? I need to toughen up.
I have often been told that I live in a fantasy world. I am not perfect. And, I am not nice … a lot! But to purposely do something to someone KNOWING that it is the ONE thing that hurts them more than anything… to call them your best friend in one breath – to tell them you love them and then to do something so hurtful in the next moment…. I know I’m not capable of that. I have never been capable of that.
I’m not sure how this ends for me today. Hopefully I don’t destroy things that actually do have meaning to me over something that shouldn’t. We will see. I know that tomorrow I will feel better if I don’t. But, the problem is that the emotional pain is sooo active and so real in my gut right now that I can’t feel tomorrow. I need to feel that. I can’t. Talking to Therapy Man helped. The list (fucking lists) helped. Medicine doesn’t do much for me like this, but it will help some. If anything it will make me sleep. Like I said… we will see.