On a scale of 1 to 10… I’m a 12

I am not downgrading physical pain at all. I am thankful that I have always been able to control it. Emotional pain… not so much. Emotional pain causes great destruction in my life.

On a scale of 1 to 10 today I am a 12 emotionally. I figure I won’t over exaggerate just to make my point. I have abandonment issues as I figure many of us here do. Step one to abandoning Jami is to ignore her. Fucking drives me up a tree.

I’ve talked about my my mother spending a lot of my childhood behind a closed door on the back porch. It was her coping skill. Who said coping skills always yielded good results? That one didn’t… it was the start of some serious issues for me.

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It doesn’t matter if I tell the story of what has caused this anger today or not. What matters right now is that I don’t destroy things. I don’t destroy relationships… don’t destroy property… don’t destroy the path that I have walked to get where I am today. That’s the important thing.

My last post I bitched about people giving up on therapists and therapy. Just so ya know… that was the first thing I did. I contacted him. Then I took medicine and curled up in a ball until he called me. Thank God he had an opening and could call me. We have a plan… a list. He loves lists. I suppose I should also, but they tend to stress me out a bit and … eh…. We’ll see if I can stick to it.

In the past, I have talked about how we don’t get “better” when we have a mental illness… how we can stumble and fall and then get up and learn to walk again… maybe walk a new and better path. Understanding that we… that I… don’t get cured was a bitch for me. Accepting that this pain that I am feeling comes like it does… it sucks and I so much want to just run from it and do everything I can to not let it happen.

Every path I take will lead to some kind of pain – some kind of letting go –  regardless. It will always lead to people letting me down in some way. I think people do that in some fashion or another… maybe I have too high of expectations. Maybe, I surround myself with people who have very low standards because I don’t feel like I deserve to be around people any better. Maybe… this is just life? I need to toughen up.

I have often been told that I live in a fantasy world. I am not perfect. And, I am not nice … a lot! But to purposely do something to someone KNOWING that it is the ONE thing that hurts them more than anything… to call them your best friend in one breath – to tell them you love them and then to do something so hurtful in the next moment…. I know I’m not capable of that. I have never been capable of that.

I’m not sure how this ends for me today. Hopefully I don’t destroy things that actually do have meaning to me over something that shouldn’t. We will see. I know that tomorrow I will feel better if I don’t. But, the problem is that the emotional pain is sooo active and so real in my gut right now that I can’t feel tomorrow. I need to feel that. I can’t. Talking to Therapy Man helped. The list (fucking lists) helped. Medicine doesn’t do much for me like this, but it will help some. If anything it will make me sleep. Like I said… we will see.

16 thoughts on “On a scale of 1 to 10… I’m a 12

  1. Lizzy

    I know this feeling all too well. And I am sorry to say that I do not have any wisdom to share with you. I will however pray for you. Find something to distract your thoughts. Or call a friend who knows your struggles. And know that all who read your posts keep you in their thoughts and prayers! God bless!

  2. I echo wise Lizzy, Jami! She said it!

    Today, I trust dogs more than people. You know what I’ve been through the past week with those two f*ckers who unfriended me on Facebook. (To add insult to injury, I didn’t blog about two other “friendships” that went down the drain recently!!!! :0)

    I know I’m a good person & I can even be a good friend, but when that kind of B.S. happens (in one case it was a deliberately hurtful action coming from a truly sick mind, but still – it hurt me) it makes me doubt myself. It makes me not want to have friends unless they are hairy and four legs and bark.

    On a brighter, less narcissistic note, I am SO glad you contacted your therapist! I like lists too ,so I’m stoked he encouraged you to make one. 😉 I’m also grateful that you wrote about what you’ve been through and where you’re at today. I feel less alone with my crap as I can relate to a lot of what you wrote in this post….I wish neither of us had to suffer with so much emotional agony. 😦

    Sending you ginormous hugs & strength & hopes that tomorrow is better!!!

    XOXOOOxOOXO Dy & Lucy & Zoe & Snowball

    1. This was indeed beautiful!!! The fact that it reminded you of me makes me feel very special! Thank you so much.. I had a week that I can’t even begin to talk about it. This was PERFECT Sammy!!!! Thank you sooooooo much! 🙂 Love you!!!!

      1. We are three people Jami, the one you see in yourself, the one others see and the one God sees. We are human, we can sometimes see the human you and the spirit you, God sees only the spirit you which to him is beautiful. I don’t understand why we have to suffer the things we do. It hurts. Your hurts are becoming my hurts. I also see a beautiful woman. Love you 🙂

      2. I don’t want you to hurt. 😦 I actually see myself getting stronger. I that doesn’t seem possible. But, it usually happens this way… the more “scary” moments I have the stronger I am actually becoming. .. it’s like I’m letting go or something. It’s very scary but good at the same time.

      3. Good question Jami. What does God think of you? I was reminded of a scene out of a book, The Shack by Wm Paul Young. The main character, Mac, is experiencing God in the form the Father, the Son and The Holy Spirit. The father is portrayed by a black mothering type of woman, Jesus as a hard working handyman and the Holy Spirit as a woman with an immense amount of energy called Sarayu. Mac is helping Sarayu in the garden, where Mac couldn’t help but notice and mention what a mess it looked. Sarayu thanked him and took it as a compliment. Mac helped with weeding pruning etc as they have a conversation about life. At the end of their time together she thanks Mac for his help. He replies, “I didn’t do much really, I mean look at this mess….” He then went on to say, “but it is beautiful, and full of you Sarayu. Even though it seems like lots of work still needs to be done, I feel strangely at home and comfortable here.” Surayu then said, “And well you should, Mac, because this garden is your soul. This mess is you….To you it seems like a mess, but to me, I see a perfect pattern emerging and growing and alive…” That is how God sees you Jami, a work in progress that he enjoys watching you not only grow but enjoys helping.The advantage that He has is that he can see the finished product. He enjoys working with you making you into a beautiful woman with so much to offer.

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