Smashing Pair of Addiction Disasters!

I’ve been married 3 times and I can honestly – very honestly – say that looking back I don’t think I was in love with any of them. *shaking my head* I don’t think that I’ve ever been in love and that may include Danger Boy now.

Had a conversation with Therapy Man yesterday about my week. I am not only terrible at love, but I am also rather naive when it comes to understanding that I am way too nice to men… to penises. Especially single penises… I understand that not all men are like this. I’d like to find a couple who apparently do not want to sleep with me.

Let me clarify that… I am not perfect and I’m working on it. I have done my share of “getting around”. Lookin for love in all the wrong places! Oh… Shit. I think my post and my bitching probably just ended right here, but I shall continue anyway 🙂

I can admit that I have a problem. HUGE ONE! I just don’t exactly know what that problem is. Sex or Love? I recently discovered Love Addiction and while Therapy Man doesn’t put me in a box with that – we rarely talk diagnoses at all…. I would lay odds that it’s the box I belong it

I love Love… or the idea of it. And, while I’m not entirely sure that that’s the gist behind the addiction. I’d guess that I’m on target. Danger Boy … well, let me just say… think he’s got Sex Addiction written all over him and that just makes us a Smashing Pair of addiction disasters and I do not say that lightly! I think it’s hell. I think it’s what keeps us in this sick loop. Unfortunately, I’m happy? Excuse me while I vomit.

Speaking of… he was here last night. We’ve been back together since January and there has been very little talk about “the other”. In fact, I wasn’t sure that there was still “the other”. Last week when he was here he mentioned he had to go out of town this weekend. This weekend also happens to mark 3 years that we have been tangled up in this mess I consider a relationship.

When he came back in January we both took ALOT of time to think about whether we could handle “the crazy” of it all. Oh did it get crazy. I was surprised I actually thought about it the way I did. I can consciously remember thinking to myself… “I’m not sure I’m strong enough to go through his again”. I usually just straight up don’t think… it is Jason after all. When it comes to Jason I don’t have a brain. I believe it physically leaves my body somehow when I think about him… don’t ask me how…. I don’t know… I’m a freak and brainless most of the time… Anyway… we both ended up here … here being my bed, again. Mainly because we don’t do public. I’m not sure it’d be safe for us to be out in public. Just being honest.. or a chicken shit making excuses.. who knows.

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So he was here and now he’s gone. for the weekend… with “the other”. Where he should be… I suppose…

This is the best I can do right now. people! Maybe it’s the best I will allow for myself. Maybe it’s the best I feel I deserve? Therapy Man believes I’m in love with him. I’m fighting him on that. I’m sure he’ll win. He usually does. But here’s the thing my friends… or those of you who understand these sorts of addictions? or those of you who just wanna hear me out… 🙂

I’ve seen him every week for the last few months. That’s more than I ever saw him before. He comes to see me… we talk about things I know he’s not able to talk to anyone about to others. He’s cop.. he can’t talk to other cops about these things…  “The other” is his chief so I know he can’t talk to her about them.

And, then there’s the sex. I won’t got there, but he’s not dissatisfied and obviously I am not either because I don’t want to see anyone else. In the past I have. And obviously, not to sound like – idk –  whatever… I’m not short of offers right now.

I know that I fool myself into believing things all of the time… but, I don’t want to mess around with stepping out and getting my heart broken by someone someone new. I’m having troubles enough doing that making friends. He’s plenty capable of doing it himself anyway. I mentioned in the beginning of this post that I’m not sure I’ve ever been in love… if I have, it’s been with him and he’s shattered the idea that it could ever work long ago… or not, maybe I’m holding onto the possibility.. at least I know how to recover.. or not? Fuck. Yes… fuck indeed.

I wonder if I couldn’t just, one more time, put on those big girl panties of mine and enjoy the ride? Why do I always tear things up into tiny little mental health bullshit and whine about it.. And the, fuck it up? Why does everything have to be such a crisis? The sex is amazing! Why can’t I just enjoy it? Seriously, Jami? Girl?

Talking Body – Tove Lo

In bed, stay in bed,
The feeling of your skin locked in my head
Smoke smoke me broke
I don’t care, I’m down for what you want
Day drunk into the night, wanna keep you here
‘Cause you dry my tears
Yeah, summer loving and fights
How it is for us, and it’s all because

Now if we’re talking body
You got a perfect one, so put it on me
Swear it won’t take you long
If you love me right
We fuck for life, on and on and on
Now if we’re talking body
You got a perfect one, so put it on me
Swear it won’t take you long
If you love me right
We fuck for life, on and on and on

Love can be love,
Anything you want I’ll give it up
Lips, lips are kiss,
Bite me while I taste your fingertips
Day drunk into the night, wanna keep you here
‘Cause you dry my tears
Yeah, summer loving and fights
How it is for us, and it’s all because

6 thoughts on “Smashing Pair of Addiction Disasters!

  1. i don’t know enough about danger boy, but i do remember you found me by finding my rant about feeling the bad stuff he made you feel months ago. make sense? lol i would never presume to judge you even if i didn’t know exactly how you feel about him. it’s a messy bag of yum yum with a fucking a side of emotionally fried heartache. you don’t have to call it LOVE girl. but it might be. cuz love comes in so many flavors Baskins is a joke! 😉 enjoy the sex and stop trippin lol.

    1. I think you are so right! Im on that edge of… fuck it stop of over thinking everything and just enjoy the good stuff! 🙂 At least out of all that shitstorm of hell he did bring me to you 🙂 lol.

  2. Man Jami, when you write like this I know there is a book inside of you. You are more open and honest about your life than I am. Can you seem me giving you a standing ovation? 🙂

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