I have never felt worth anything. With that said, the last 8 days of my life have been rather interesting. People are mean. I have said that. I will stand by it. I will die by it. I used to believe that it was just the bitches that were mean. But, no. Boys also suck. Not just because they want some. They are just as caddy and mean as women. They want control and when they can’t have it… look the fuck out!
I think Therapy Man has been earning his keep because I survived a barrage of bullshit from both men and women this week. This wasn’t just caddy shit. One of the men was attacking me at my job making serious accusations about me with students AND I DIDN’T lose it! In 25 years of teaching NOT ONCE have I EVER been accused of inappropriate behavior with a student! NOT ONCE have I ever been accused of anything inappropriate! This guy wants in my pants and I know that! He as wanted in my pants since he met me. I did the right thing! I didn’t flip out! I didn’t miss any school! I didn’t self-injure! I put my big girl panties on and handled it professionally and I AM PROUD OF MY BIPOLAR/BORDERLINE totin’ self! And, on top of it, my professional self didn’t even bring into the situation the fact that ole boy wants in my pants! That’s what I’m talkin’ about!
So, I’m fishing a tournament last night… if you recall, I was going to quit fishing them because of the meanies. But, I decided that I would step out of the bullshit and do what I do because I love it… I was setting up the boat and getting my stuff together when the jackass who made the sideways comments last weekend about ME hitting on HIM decides to whistle at me as I was walking across the park… ya know the whistle… the “you look hawt” whistle… yeah! What a fuck! It took everything I had not to walk up to him – sitting with all his fishin buddies – and say… let him just clear this up for ya – YOU are flirting ME right now jackass… just to be clear! But… again!!! I stepped out of the chaotic bullshit (my brain, basically) and decided to let him be a 12 year old and kept walkin. And then I beat his ass out on the water 🙂 Best revenge possible. 🙂
Toxicity…. Mmmmm…. I love this word. Seriously… what a great word. So, I was fishing, as I said… and I wasn’t getting the fish I needed and I was frustrated with the BS and IDK… there was no courtesy on the water even… guys were cutting in 50 yards ahead of us when clearly we were on that spot with plenty of water??? I don’t know. Suddenly we started hitting the little guys we needed… (There’s a slot limit on the river which means nothing probably, but anyway). Out of nowhere I heard myself say… Maybe the God I fight with on a regular basis is finally listening to me since I haven’t lost my freaking mind in the last 8 days over this stupid crap going on with the meanies!!!! Whaaaatttt….. Reallly??? Did I just go there?
Anyway… I did go there. I hated myself as soon as I did. It’s much easier to be angry. Much easier to be the victim for me. I’m not sure why. Peace is scary. Peace leaves my brain free to think of things… peace gives me space to breath and space to allow things in… to take the risk of getting hurt. As far as I’m concerned I’m doing enough of that. I realize it also allows for the opportunity of not getting hurt…. I’m aware of that.
One step at a time. I didn’t lose it this week. That’s something to write home about.