This may ramble. My therapist got in trouble. Plain and simple. Not going into it. Wasn’t anything inappropriate with a patient… he’s still practicing. But, it’s enough that my world is extremely unstable at the moment. I am hugely uncomfortable. Immensely uncomfortable. I have vomited nonstop since I found out yesterday.
I have started this entry many times. It’s not going to have the impact I want it to have because there isn’t anyway I can describe the relationship that I have with him. It doesn’t really matter anyway. I don’t blog for anyone’s pleasure. I just need to talk. I need to get this shit out because I am so fucking freaked out that I can’t stand it.
It’s a big God damn deal to me. I have trusted him when I couldn’t trust anyone. Believed in him when I could not or can’t believe in myself. Gone on in my life because he told me I should and I believed him so I did because it was the best I could do at the time! Tell me that no one else has been there and done that?
God Damn it I’m sorry, but, I have a relationship with a therapist that people search for sometimes and never find. I have worked VERY hard to make it work. We have worked hard on it! I drive 5 hours round trip every week/2 weeks to keep this relationship.
Every God damn man in my life has been a fuck up – except my father. I realize that at some point I have got to separate him from the men in my life because he isn’t one of them. But the trust I have developed with him and the fact that he has not – had not – fucked that trust up was important to me.
There is a separation… right? Am I right? Isn’t there? I know there is… you don’t have to answer that. Who do you go to when your fucking therapist is the fuck up? This man I thought I knew… guess what? I don’t know at all. That’s the separation. Right?
I don’t fucking know. I have been through 3 marriages with this guy. One husband was physically abusive, one was into child pornography and the last one was a drug addict. I’ve had 4 jobs – one of which I was asked to leave and one I was fired from. I have moved 9 times. Lived in a group home. Been in the hospital – no joke- 40+ times, including a very nice stay in a state institution for what, to me, was a long stay – 6 months (I know that is nothing compared to many people, but for me that is a long stay). This man has been there to help me through all of this… helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel.
So I’m going to sit here and bitch I guess. I don’t now what else to do. I just don’t know. I’m numb.