eFFing Mania! A.K.A I love this disease!

So when I’m manic I do stupid shit. Incredibly stupid shit. I make incredibly bad decisions and then I go to whatever lengths necessary to cover them up.

And by Cover up, I mean I lie about them. Plain and simple. And, I don’t just lie once. I hold steadfast and true to those lies – compounding when necessary of course. It’s not a pretty sight. As if lying ever is… I’m not good at it. Nor am I proud of it. It makes me sick actually – physically and emotionally…

I love this disease! I fucking love it!

I blame the disease. I really do. I have some control. I know that. I use it when I can. I really, really do! But fuck if that mania isn’t the bitch of it all! I can take my meds and exercise. Eat right… mediate the HELL out of a situation and it doesn’t fucking matter! If it wants out – it is coming out!

Fuck you mania! Fuck you!

Does it ever end?

I know the answer to that is yes. Because it does – it has many, many times. But the shitstorm that it causes just isn’t worth it. I really messed up on an epic level. It’s a culmination of the last couple of months. Whew! On top of it, the NON-manic me was having a NON-mentally ill break-up with my normal boyfriend. And Crazy Train (ME) actually thought we’d be able to stay friends. Whaaat? Who stays friends with their exs? Why are they exs then? Especially when you both have been lying to and cheating on each other??? Yeah, healthy as hell…

Eh… Manic, Non-manic… normal, sick… it all gets so wrapped up in a ball of who gives a shit to the people that I actually wanted it to give a shit to… and then I lose myself in it even…

The cycle continues…

3 thoughts on “eFFing Mania! A.K.A I love this disease!

  1. And maybe the cycle will end someday… or maybe there is no you without the other or they all combine to make you… who knows. All I know is, manic or not, you’re all right to me girl. And I seriously doubt exs remain friends. Unless they weren’t so into each other while dating then. Or one of them is just a damn good liar. Lol.
    Sit tight…
    Love youuuuu

  2. Yeah it’s kind of like the flying monkeys and alligator lizards are conspiring together and not telling you what the hell they’re up to.

    Why on earth would you want to be friends with an ex? I think the one who suggests you can still be friends is one of two things. Looking to avoid some of the sudden loss so the going apart is easier, a drift thing or the one who fucked up real bad!

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