Your Fear… to know that danger finally goes away

I wonder how many I times I have heard
that we have to hit rock bottom
before we can move forward?

I also wonder how many
I think that I have hit?

Last weekend I was there again,
on the rocks,
making deals with the God

I swore I would never do that!

The cycle… the fucking cycle.
Round and round we go.
Over and over…

It turns over in my brain and my heart
until I just don’t give a damn anymore.

This time Therapy Man officially confirmed that
I have a void in my heart. Let me tell you that
it feels awesome to hear the professional
confirm that you are, in fact, empty.

I’ve been giving this a lot of thought. I went to hear a local band Saturday night. Thought I’d be out there looking for as much attention as possible now that I’m single. Craving it all… But, as I was out there shaking and swaying to a “Gin and Juice” mix – yeah, they went there all funked up and mixed up with some “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” (seriously these guys are geniuses – Gin and Juice is not my genre, but they can do anything) …. oh, sorry… ok, so I was out there with my friends just a swaying when this incredible calmness hit me… I didn’t need to be there for anyone’s attention. Trust me, I am the world’s biggest attention whore. But, I didn’t HAVE to be ON. And, it just hit me… (aside from the fact that I’m a horrible dancer. If I truly have friends they would never let me out on the dance floor). Oh.. sorry again… I could actually feel the smile I was wearing on the outside deep on the inside and I haven’t felt a smile like that in a long time. I haven’t felt anything on the inside in a very long time. It was crazy fucking good. I want to CRAVE that.

I have realized over the last week that I am an extremely fortunate bipolar/BPD woman. I have a job… I have a roof over my head that I am able to pay for myself. I couldn’t do that 15 years ago – in and out of state hospitals and group homes. I have been living as a victim and running from myself for as long as I can remember. I had good reasons to run then. I don’t have those same reasons anymore – not physically at least. I have Therapy Man to help me with them emotionally… I am able to get up and go everyday!

I am very VOID like Therapy Man says. I am broken in many ways. But, I have so much to work with… I am fortunate that I am not a suicidal person because I think it would have been over last weekend. I don’t trust words… I hear them and can move forward with them. I can function through them, but I cannot hold to them for any length of time. I trust Therapy Man because I have to… because I have been with him for so many years and truly he has nothing invested in me other than wanted to help me… OK I JUST NEED TO! So, I’m going with that. I’ll move on from there.

And I’ll end here.

“There’s No Leaving Now”

When there’s no one here in the tryouts
who will live through your first day’s trial
of confusion when your faint and crooked smile
had to leave

And when you’re painted like a warrior
though you know it’s a raining war
when the first who spoke, but wasn’t really sure
was your heart

Your fear of the leading light
if they are with you and your heart won’t fail
To see through a fearless eye
and know that danger finally goes away
still you’re trying
but there’s no leaving now

And with your quiet damn devotion
to be lost like your child again
claim “forever” is a close and honest friend
to your ways

Will there be time to harvest rivers
that for so long refused to grow?
All the little things you need to build a home
for your love

Your fear of the leading light
if they are with you and your heart won’t fail
To see through a fearless eye
and know that danger finally goes away
still you’re trying
but there’s no leaving now.

7 thoughts on “Your Fear… to know that danger finally goes away

  1. disconcerted72

    If you’re the biggest attention whore, then I’m running a close second 😛

    I know you got this! I know that calm feeling you experienced dancing…it’s called “Letting it all go and not giving an eff” for the moment! I love that feeling to and wish it was something I could always feel. But it’s nice knowing that sometimes you can go back to it, even if you can’t have it all the time!

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