Giving up the beast…

Dead in my tracks! I couldn’t move. He walked in… looked at me with that stare… he knew exactly what he was doing to me. Then he turned and walked away. Smiling as he left knowing there wasn’t a damn thing I could do at that moment. He will get his tho… As sure as I sit here now, he’ll get his. And, sweeeet… it will be!

I use to cover it up and say I must have done something to deserve it  – I must have led them on in some way. They might get mad and hurt me if I didn’t have sex with them. But I wanted it. Every moment of it. I enjoyed it. I didn’t lead them on. I knew what they wanted and I was willing to tease to please.

Don’t get me wrong, there were the bad ones. The ones who did hurt me, but it was never for these reasons. Those were for buying the wrong pancake mix or trying to clean up after dinner at an inappropriate time… ya know, the real important shit! And, yes, the unfortunate rape – or three, but those were NEVER, under these circumstances. Those were truly unfortunate and indeed FUCKED UP.

Hm… well, really, what does it matter? Who does care?

Don’t tell me to stop selling myself short because no one does really fucking care. I have tried. I have tried many, many times. I have given and given. Truth of the matter is.. I should just start taking.

I am miserable the way I am now.

The consequences are great, you say? I don’t see a difference in them. Not in the life I’ve lived to this point.

I have made so many excuses for my behavior. I’m tired of it really. It is what it is. I’ve tried tying myself down in relationships – doesn’t stop the feelings – the urges. I’m not happier. If anything I’m more miserable. I’ve tried burying myself in people’s problems so I could ignore who I am. Ignore the beast? Yeah, that’s my word. But there isn’t a damn thing wrong with me.

Uh, if you get technical about it there’s a shit-ton wrong with me diagnosis wise but, who really gives a shit about that? 🙂  I’m not hurting anyone – again, except myself. But… again, again, I’m miserable anyway!

Truth is, this is all new to me. I’ve been hiding it all behind excuses – really bad, unhealthy excuses anyway. I just don’t want to do it anymore. I just want to feel what I want to feel when I want to feel it… Is that so bad? Selfish – perhaps.  Bad??? I just wanna know? And, I don’t want feel like shit about it anymore.

A whole lotta feelin’ going on in that paragraph right there.

Show of hands… how many of you are really confused right now. If you could see me now, I have my hand up. Yes, teacher has her hand up.

Fuck my life!

9 thoughts on “Giving up the beast…

  1. Quiet Storm

    Despite the harsh topic, this was well written.

    Have you had DBT treatment yet?

    Your fear of abandonment is being triggered. I am sorry. It is making your brain go all over the place. I can see it in your post.

    You need to learn how to live independent of the good or bad opinion of others. Who cares if he gets what is coming to him? That isn’t your concern. YOU are your concern. It isn’t selfish – you really need to focus on you and get to know you. What makes you tick? What makes you hit Cloud Nine? What pisses you off? Are you able to keep a balance? (those are all rhetorical, you don’t need to share the answers).

    Borderline Personality Disorder fucks you over because you get left in a dissociated state – do you feel real?

    You can feel real if you just be. And pamper the shit out of yourself!

    Last but not least – KEEP WRITING!!

  2. Jami me love… all of the other stuff doesn’t matter. Them, them, and more them… who the heck are they? It’s all about you baby… selfish or no, You are the main dish. And your balance must be theirs or text book perfect, as long as it’s yours, it’s perfect.
    Love you…

    1. Nekaaar… why do you have to be half way across the world? 🙂 I love you Friend! Perfection has been my worst enemy my entire life. God decided he would make that my curse I guess.

      I really missed with this post actually. But the comments that I have gotten out of have opened my eyes to soooo much! Thank you for reading and being here for me!!!!

  3. Always here for you my friend… any day, any time. Perfection is so tasking… maybe we best ignore it and focus on other things. I think you’ll get sorted out in your own time… you’ll see. Just breathe…

  4. Unfirtunately I understand your post all too well. Be gentle with yourself. Can you do self care? Something to build up your resilience to al the negative fucking shit (pardon my french) that will inevitably follow you?… You’re in my thoughts 💙

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