This song finds me… And, I return to it. Never have I returned to it with so much pain and fear and sense of loss as I have this time… at least to my knowledge. If you’ve read much of me, you know I am not a religious person and spend most of my time fighting it. And so is the case still as I write this… I discovered this song when a pastor of mine tried to help me understand that God wasn’t going to take my illness away from me – regardless of how hard I worked or how “good” I was. But, he told me that God would always be sitting next me while I journeyed through it. To be “fucking honest”, that pissed me off because in my opinion I was doing everything I knew to make it go away and I didn’t want him to just sit there and watch me… Fuck that! There were plenty of people watching me go through it!
Today I’m good with “holding me”. Fuckin’ someone needs to hold me together.
For 48 years of my life I have been complaining about this disease and what it takes from me. How miserable I am… How I go out and make bad decision after bad decision because of it. The losses. The pain I cause others and myself. The things I can’t do because of it. I can’t get up and go to work in the morning. I can’t be around other people. I don’t have what other people do to get me through the hardships. The excuses I have made because of it. Poor, poor me.
We’ve all come to points in our illness where we have made deals with God – or our higher power. I know we have. People “without” illness do it all the time.
I’m not here making a deal. I don’t “believe” like that at all. I never will. I just know that I believe that I handed over everything that I have ever worked on and for to someone I don’t even know and it could very well be over for me. Just like that! Just like that – for no reason… Gone.
No, no deals. Of course, I don’t want to lose everything, no. But, what I have come to realize is that I do have so much. All the times that Therapy Man wanted me to write those Gratefulness Journals and I bitched because I couldn’t/didn’t think I had anything to be grateful for…. What was I thinking?
I understand that there is a certain biology to my illness. But, there is also a certain mentality to it as well.
I come to my journal today and am talking about me – my journey. I know we all function at different levels and are capable of doing different things for ourselves. I just know that I’ve taken my disease for granted far too many times.
And last night I get to a place where I’m mostly sure that I will never teach again. I couldn’t breath. I couldn’t move. I was shaking to my core. Vomitting. Crying…. sobbing. I crawled to my bathtub because that is a “coping” skill – if that makes sense to anyone. I slithered in – with my phone near. I had given up. I had come to this conclusion that everything that I thought I never had – I actually had all along and had only been taking it for granted. I refused to beg God for a second chance. I feel – honestly – he knows that if I deserve it he will give it to me. “Begging” for something I’ve had all along doesn’t make any sense to me?
That’s when it happened… my go-to in the past when I’m in that space had always been Jason (Danger Boy). And, wouldn’t you fucking know it, after 4 months of absolutely – completely – NOTHING – NOT A WORD… he told me he was never going to speak to me again… yeah, no. There he was. Pretty sure you can put the pieces together… I’d only be making excuses if I went further.
And so it boils down to me sitting here wondering what I am “asking” for today.
Who am I asking?
Who do people ask?
Or Change? Can I change?
Do I even get the opportunity or right to change now?
Can I even let myself change? Or have it in me to do so?
What the fuck do I believe in?