Lil background here… I’m the blonde in the conversation. This was in response to me suggesting that perhaps I not stay with my boyfriend because he literally cheated on me… in front of me… and I thought mayybeee.. that was enough to call it quits because, in all fairness, things haven’t been peachy-keen anyway… what the hell. I realize you aren’t getting the entire conversation here… but there wasn’t much more to it.
How exactly… do you not take any of that negatively? I mean a non-bipolar, non-borderline, non-angry normal 48 year woman (frankly I’m not sure one of those exists) whose boyfriend didn’t just nub himself all over a chick right in front of her is gonna be ticked off! She’s gonna vent to a “friend”. Then, let’s throw in the other things that have been building for months – that said friend is aware of!!!! What the fuck… really? I didn’t include the text that said maybe he’d be willing to stick around and work things through with ME because of my issues? My “self-sabotaging” issues… REALLLLLLLY! Oh! I wish you could sense the anger/frustration right now! FFFFFuck!
—– you may want to jump down the the “take note” part of the entry because right now I’m gonna do a lot of bitching and ranting (same thing – I know… needed to use lots of words). ——–
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I just wanna fuck people up sometimes… ummmm. Not socially acceptable for a teacher. Or, I suppose anyone except maybe a mobster.
Here ya go… “Realistically”, FRIEND, I see myself working things out just fine living with this beautiful creature!
… just sayin’…. she wants a cookie when she comes in from the outside. She’d love to go to the park everyday for a walk. BUT… she doesn’t bitch when she doesn’t get one. She shares her couch with me. When I cry she climbs up into my lap – granted she hangs over a bit – and just sits there while I cry and go crazy. Most importantly, however, she doesn’t have phone to text SHITTY ASS TEXTS! Even though she never would! Because she wouldn’t do that!!! And…. she wouldn’t “nub” all over other people in front of me. Well, not entirely true. If you have a treat she’s gonna love you. So, basically SHE is the complete package!
Yeah. I’ve had shitty relationships. Yeah. I’ve chosen the man. But… let’s chalk experience up here and learn from it and KNOW THAT THIS ONE ISN’T GOOD GOD DAMN IT!
It’s just that I have no spine. No spine to talk to her and say… back off and be nice… of JUST NOT TALK TO HER AT ALL ANYMORE…. This is not the 1st post I’ve talked about “my mean friend”. I have no spine to stand up to him every time he turns the tables on me! Spineless!
TAKE NOTE: This might be the important part of the post! Other parts were just ranting crap!
Ranting finished. I’m not being hard on myself. I’m working on the confidence thing with my therapist and have really come a long way. I had to dig through some other crap before I could even get to the “living a normal bipolar life”. Just doing that took about a year. I’m just tired of people’s crap. I’m tired of taking it. I’m actually tired of watching myself take it. That’s a huge step in itself. I’ve been standing outside of myself for soooo long because inside myself has been awful (it’s still not great, but someone needs to be in there). It’s just time that I get in there and start working with it. I’m kinda like an old rusty carousel or an old calliope that someone (me) gave up on a long time ago. Cool as hell, but I need to get in there and do some work. Parts are still there… just fallin’ apart…. clear up the cob webs… bang out the dents. Throw some paint on… wind it up and let it roll.
Let it roll.