I hate these posts usually…

I talked to him. Danger Boy – not God. I’m going to try to say that I didn’t do it on purpose and that I was just messing around. But, that is complete bullshit. I’m going to also try to say that I didn’t think he would be there. Bullshit! Again. However… I was NOT sure what he would do. And, I wasn’t exactly sure what my response would be if he reacted…

I’ve been telling myself all along that that I’m over it. I have to call bullshit on that one also. Just like I had to call bullshit on the way I justified the whole God Damn relationship to begin with. Even after the interaction, when I did tell eventually tell him it was me and he VERY promptly did not pass go, did not collect $200, and blocked me without a word, I thought I was fine.

Fuck no I was not fine!

Not fine.
Not fine.
Not fine.

I think I understand addiction… not that it’s POSSIBLE to understand it. I don’t mean that at all. And, I’m not trying to simplify it a bit. Sorry. Just hear me out… I walked away from him blocking that text and thought… Oh yeah, I’m good and then suddenly at about 2am… I sat straight up in bed and I could NOT breath. I hurt worse than I’d ever hurt over him – physically or emotionally. I could not collect my thoughts. I don’t even know. I can’t explain what was running through my head other than hearing myself say… over and over… What the fuck did I do to myself? And… Why? How is this possible? He’s been gone? I’ve been good? God, what the fuck did I just do to myself? Things were spinning inside my head and outside of it. I was sweating… Oh my God! I’m not at all trying to make light of addiction, but I had to have been addicted to him and talking to him had to have caused some sort of relapse or reaction or something.

In past posts I’ve said that I was addicted to him, but I wasn’t serious. I couldn’t have been because I did NOT EVEN know what the HELL I was talking about. Or, I don’t know… Whatever…  I realize it’s not the same as substance abuse, but it’s got to be close. But in that moment… Oh My God… Jesus, Joseph and Mary. I wanted to die!

With that said… I am as much of a fan of “OMG I miss him posts” as the rest of you especially considering I’ve written 103 of them myself. But, I had to write this. The Fray video came to mind because I keep thinking that I’ve found the end… or the answer… or something and all is good… But it’s not. I have so many questions. I just don’t know who to ask. Or, if they are worth asking. I don’t even know. It’s like I’m settled or reconciled with everything… and then OH NO, no, no… The song doesn’t even mean that probably. I usually am WAY off with meanings…  It’s just my song for WTF God! 🙂

But I think he gets it.

I think God gets me…

14 thoughts on “I hate these posts usually…

  1. I totally get where you are coming from…
    That 2 second in and out of head spinning affair? Been there too.
    Actually talking to “them” will definitely cause a relapse. It makes you remember stuff. Pseudo good feelings. You ache and then you long for them all over again. But it passes. For a while anyways. Lol. Then one day no more relapses. Hopefully.

  2. I remember in my past relationship saying a lot how it’s like an addiction, we were so toxic for each other yet somehow couldn’t let go. It definitely has it’s similarities! Eventually the toxicity was too much, I hope your mind can soon recover, and yes try to stay away! Long enough for you to sort out your emotions, as with any ‘addiction’, it’s a journey not an event, sorry if I sound preachy, not my intention. I wish you all the best, I understand the magnetic like energy that somehow keeps toxic people in our lives and\ or minds, holding us hostage. Good Luck, hope you’re feeling better.

  3. I don’t know the details as I’m a new groupie of yours, but what I DO know is that you’re beautiful, super-smart, funny as hell, and you deserve someone to adore you who rocks your world.

  4. Relationships CAN be addictive, especially (in my case anyway) toxic or unequal ones. Having borderline personality disorders makes it that much harder for us to navigate and find the right person (not saying that as an excuse but it’s a fact — bpd does impact how we see things). But you are beautiful and kind and intelligent and if there is a God in heaven you will find someone worthy of you. Danger Boy has proven he isn’t. (Not that it makes it any easier to stay away. ugh!!!!)

    And you know, the great thing about songs/music is that is can mean WHATEVER it means to YOU. We all interpret the same lyric in different ways based on our own experiences, mood, etc. that’s why I love music. it’s universal but still individual. 🙂

    you rock. that is all. love you!!! ♥

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