I talked to him. Danger Boy – not God. I’m going to try to say that I didn’t do it on purpose and that I was just messing around. But, that is complete bullshit. I’m going to also try to say that I didn’t think he would be there. Bullshit! Again. However… I was NOT sure what he would do. And, I wasn’t exactly sure what my response would be if he reacted…
I’ve been telling myself all along that that I’m over it. I have to call bullshit on that one also. Just like I had to call bullshit on the way I justified the whole God Damn relationship to begin with. Even after the interaction, when I did tell eventually tell him it was me and he VERY promptly did not pass go, did not collect $200, and blocked me without a word, I thought I was fine.
Fuck no I was not fine!
I think I understand addiction… not that it’s POSSIBLE to understand it. I don’t mean that at all. And, I’m not trying to simplify it a bit. Sorry. Just hear me out… I walked away from him blocking that text and thought… Oh yeah, I’m good and then suddenly at about 2am… I sat straight up in bed and I could NOT breath. I hurt worse than I’d ever hurt over him – physically or emotionally. I could not collect my thoughts. I don’t even know. I can’t explain what was running through my head other than hearing myself say… over and over… What the fuck did I do to myself? And… Why? How is this possible? He’s been gone? I’ve been good? God, what the fuck did I just do to myself? Things were spinning inside my head and outside of it. I was sweating… Oh my God! I’m not at all trying to make light of addiction, but I had to have been addicted to him and talking to him had to have caused some sort of relapse or reaction or something.
In past posts I’ve said that I was addicted to him, but I wasn’t serious. I couldn’t have been because I did NOT EVEN know what the HELL I was talking about. Or, I don’t know… Whatever… I realize it’s not the same as substance abuse, but it’s got to be close. But in that moment… Oh My God… Jesus, Joseph and Mary. I wanted to die!
With that said… I am as much of a fan of “OMG I miss him posts” as the rest of you especially considering I’ve written 103 of them myself. But, I had to write this. The Fray video came to mind because I keep thinking that I’ve found the end… or the answer… or something and all is good… But it’s not. I have so many questions. I just don’t know who to ask. Or, if they are worth asking. I don’t even know. It’s like I’m settled or reconciled with everything… and then OH NO, no, no… The song doesn’t even mean that probably. I usually am WAY off with meanings… It’s just my song for WTF God! 🙂
But I think he gets it.
I think God gets me…