I think I’ve just been carrying around all of this old stuff…..
School gave us an extra day this year. I was like… Well, thank you school system, NOT! This is some kind of fucked up joke. I don’t do unstructured time. Who are you kidding? The more days I have off towards a Monday, the less likely I am to get to school on that Monday.
Monday and Tuesday the teachers and kids were all like “Whoop-dee-doo we get Wednesday”. And, I’m all like, Shiiiiiittttt, No… I can’t do this!!!!!!. Yesterday the custodians had to shove me out the doors and I was all like… NOOOOO please, you don’t understand. Grabbing a hold of the doors… kickin’ and screaming and shit!
All week I was dreading this day. Who the hell does that?!?! I woke up, though, this morning – luckily 🙂 and realized that maybe this is all just OLD SHIT. Yeah, just old shit that I’m carrying around and I don’t have to carry it around …
Seriously, Jami??? What the fuck? What is the problem with 5 days off? IT’S FREE! It’s crappy out, but it’s FREE.
No one is out there hurting you…. like in the past.
You don’t have to run around pleasing anyone…. like in the past.
You can sleep in… get up… lay around.. work out… Do WHATEVER the hell you wanna do and NO ONE is gonna give a rat’s ass (thank God for that).
No fighting. No yelling… like in the past.
Mmmmm…… I venture to say….. my friend…. all of those things are “old things” and you are gonna be able to have fun and play and it’ll all be ok… yes, it’s all gonna be ok. 🙂
That’s what I’ve got… Humph.
And… Eh… I’ve got… Eh…. that too….
It’s creepy (creepy? is that the word I want?) when you realize that maybe you have been holding onto something for so long for no reason other than you think you needed it to protect yourself. Or, you thought you were protecting yourself with it. It’s like you have this baby skin… this delicate sorta self that you are gonna test the waters with… and, it’s exciting…
While it hasn’t been a conscious effort, I think things have just sorta taken shape. I’ve had some positive interactions (ok, let’s go with necessary interactions) with my boyfriend surrounding our relationship. He doesn’t “get” my illness and I do “get” that. He’s been taking advantage of our relationship and I see that and now he sees that I see that…. uh, never mind. We are communicating better….. Which is huge!!!
IDK… I think I’m becoming “MYSELF”. Slowly, VERY SLOWLY, but surely. Two weeks ago I wanted to die… or, at best, wanted to cease existing the way I was existing. Maybe this is what I was reaching for when I was feeling that way???? Maybe not. Who knows.
Anyway… we all know that when we feel better… we will do just about anything to continue down this path… Anything! Sometimes, we stop and question if “better” is truly better because there have been a LOT of FALSE betters along the way. We shall see. I’m going to take the weekend and see what happens.
Moving on… Me and my dog!!!