False “betters”

I think I’ve just been carrying around all of this old stuff…..

School gave us an extra day this year. I was like… Well, thank you school system, NOT! This is some kind of fucked up joke. I don’t do unstructured time. Who are you kidding? The more days I have off towards a Monday, the less likely I am to get to school on that Monday. 

Monday and Tuesday the teachers and kids were all like “Whoop-dee-doo we get Wednesday”. And, I’m all like, Shiiiiiittttt, No… I can’t do this!!!!!!. Yesterday the custodians had to shove me out the doors and I was all like… NOOOOO please, you don’t understand.  Grabbing a hold of the doors… kickin’ and screaming and shit!

All week I was dreading this day. Who the hell does that?!?! I woke up, though, this morning – luckily 🙂  and realized that maybe this is all just OLD SHIT. Yeah, just old shit that I’m carrying around and I don’t have to carry it around …

Seriously, Jami??? What the fuck? What is the problem with 5 days off? IT’S FREE! It’s crappy out, but it’s FREE.

No one is out there hurting you…. like in the past.
You don’t have to run around pleasing anyone…. like in the past.
You can sleep in… get up… lay around.. work out… Do WHATEVER the hell you wanna do and NO ONE is gonna give a rat’s ass (thank God for that).
No fighting. No yelling… like in the past.

Mmmmm…… I venture to say….. my friend…. all of those things are “old things” and you are gonna be able to have fun and play and it’ll all be ok… yes, it’s all gonna be ok. 🙂

Humph.

That’s what I’ve got… Humph.

And… Eh… I’ve got… Eh…. that too….

It’s creepy (creepy? is that the word I want?) when you realize that maybe you have been holding onto something for so long for no reason other than you think you needed it to protect yourself. Or, you thought you were protecting yourself with it. It’s like you have this baby skin… this delicate sorta self that you are gonna test the waters with… and, it’s exciting…

While it hasn’t been a conscious effort, I think things have just sorta taken shape. I’ve had some positive interactions (ok, let’s go with necessary interactions) with my boyfriend surrounding our relationship. He doesn’t “get” my illness and I do “get” that. He’s been taking advantage of our relationship and I see that and now he sees that I see that…. uh, never mind. We are communicating better….. Which is huge!!!

IDK… I think I’m becoming “MYSELF”. Slowly, VERY SLOWLY, but surely. Two weeks ago I wanted to die… or, at best, wanted to cease existing the way I was existing. Maybe this is what I was reaching for when I was feeling that way???? Maybe not. Who knows.

Anyway… we all know that when we feel better… we will do just about anything to continue down this path… Anything! Sometimes, we stop and question if “better” is truly better because there have been a LOT of FALSE betters along the way. We shall see. I’m going to take the weekend and see what happens.

Moving on… Me and my dog!!!

14 thoughts on “False “betters”

  1. I can really relate to this post (I usually do when it comes to so many topics discussed in your blog!!!) I do so much better with structured days. I still freak out about them, but the truth is it’s WAY better for me to have stuff going on as opposed to chunks of empty time!

    But enough about ME! 😉

    I am SO excited to read that you’re slowly but surely becoming yourself. I can’t think of anything better than that. I know what you mean about the “false betters”, but lets hope that this time around it’s a big, ol TRUE better for you. It’s about time!

    I know Bailey would agree with me on that!

    XOXO
    DyDy

    1. DyDy *Big Hug* this is about both of us. .. talk girl!!!

      I am such a freak that if i have too much structure I fall apart… can ya trump that one? Lmao!

      I don’t know… we just move a day or two at a time… right?

  2. Time reflecting can be tough. As much as you rage against structure I see the structure of the work week is very important to you. Not a bad thing.

    Structure? I gotta have it. I create it along with my other creations. Crazy? Yeah yeah yeah, I’m that too among other things. Among those other things, they won’t let me play with Psychiatrists, Psychologists and Divinity Students cuz I break them.

    Structures and triggers I build them for my tough times.

    Enjoy
    http://transitionu.wordpress.com/2014/11/27/this-that-and-another-flippin-thing-or-six/

      1. For me yes. I have built triggers in my structure. Items, things, recognitions that make me step back and examine what I’m really feeling.

        Is it because a silent donkey (dumb ass) has really done something that I have to address. Is it just me under load from something else that has me so agitated.

        The depth is greater than this synopsis. It takes work and time.

  3. Think of this kind of trigger as an early warning system. In an instance when you could go over or back away. The system reacts to a situation and what you’ve built in auto triggers your awareness.

    You are now cognizant of the and I don’t want to use danger, aware that you have a situation that you need to examine and feel your way through.

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