Oh… this dog! God, I love ‘er! She’s alittle goopy eyed in this pic, but she’s a basset hound…
[Possible need for a trigger warning… I do talk about some self injury. I don’t normally post trigger warnings but I’m going to this time.]
Alone time. It’s my best friend and worst enemy. I find my greatest peace and deepest pain when I’m alone. I crave alone time… I think that I might crave both happiness and pain equally. I have stopped self injurying because I will lose both my boyfriend and my therapist. I have been warned – not to mention the threat of hospitalization. I stopped out right cutting.
It doesn’t mean I don’t think of other ways to do it that people might not recognize. I am a creative person – in my head at least. I try to keep it in my head and I think I have functioned on the “outside” for as long as I have because I have remained creative only in my head – for the most part… I creatively broke things off with Danger Boy last Fall. I didn’t have the nerve or whatever normal people have to do it the right way. But then, there was nothing right about that situation to begin with.
Last night, my real boyfriend decided to fish until the wee hours of the morning. Yeah, seriously until 6 am. And, I, in all of my creative glory, decided I should get back at him because I was pissed. Or, maybe I was just pissed in general and in all of my borderline impulse glory instead, just wanted to hurt myself…. so, I concocted a whole story in my head. Why the hell not? I couldn’t sleep! I was gonna “hurt” myself badly enough that I’d need to go the ER, get stitches all the while making him think that I was untangling the dog when she got spooked, tripped me up…. hit my head…. he wasn’t home… wouldn’t he feel like shit… yada, yada, yada….
WHAT THE HELL???? that’s about the time Paisley, the real dog, not the one in my fucked up story in my fucked up head, jumped on me…
WAKE UP MAMA!!! I WOULD LIKE TO PEE 🙂
Uh huh…. for fuck sake what the hell actually happens in my head? Because I can VERY, VERY clearly sit here and see that THAT is beyond messed up… and yet, I fully bought into it 8 hours ago. Fully. Bought. In!!!
Thank God for that dog… smh… I don’t understand it. I won’t, I suppose. Just moving on… day at a time… me and my dog.