Creative self-injury. …

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Oh… this dog! God, I love ‘er! She’s alittle goopy eyed in this pic, but she’s a basset hound…

[Possible need for a trigger warning… I do talk about some self injury. I don’t normally post trigger warnings but I’m going to this time.]

Alone time. It’s my best friend and worst enemy. I find my greatest peace and deepest pain when I’m alone. I crave alone time… I think  that I might crave both happiness and pain equally. I have stopped self injurying because I will lose both my boyfriend and my therapist. I have been warned – not to mention the threat of hospitalization. I stopped out right cutting.

It doesn’t mean I don’t think of other ways to do it that people might not recognize. I am a creative person – in my head at least.  I try to keep it in my head and I think I have functioned on the “outside” for as long as I have because I have remained creative only in my head – for the most part… I creatively broke things off with Danger Boy last Fall. I didn’t have the nerve or whatever normal people have to do it the right way. But then, there was nothing right about that situation to begin with.

Last night, my real boyfriend decided to fish until the wee hours of the morning. Yeah, seriously until 6 am. And, I,  in all of my creative glory, decided I should get back at him because I was pissed. Or, maybe I was just pissed in general and in all of my borderline impulse glory instead, just wanted to hurt myself…. so, I concocted a whole story in my head. Why the hell not? I couldn’t sleep! I was gonna “hurt” myself badly enough that I’d need to go the ER, get stitches all the while making him think that I was untangling the dog when she got spooked, tripped me up…. hit my head…. he wasn’t home… wouldn’t he feel like shit… yada, yada, yada….

WHAT THE HELL???? that’s about the time Paisley, the real dog, not the one in my fucked up story in my fucked up head, jumped on me…

WAKE UP MAMA!!! I WOULD LIKE TO PEE 🙂

Uh huh…. for fuck sake what the hell actually happens in my head? Because I can VERY, VERY clearly sit here and see that THAT is beyond messed up… and yet,  I fully bought into it 8 hours ago. Fully. Bought. In!!!

Thank God for that dog… smh… I don’t understand it. I won’t, I suppose. Just moving on… day at a time… me and my dog.

13 thoughts on “Creative self-injury. …

  1. Oh my God, this photo of your Bailey is incredible. It’s one of the best dog pics I’ve ever seen – what an expressive, soulful, loving face.

    I’m so sorry about the awful feelings you had while your boyfriend was out, and I’m deeply grateful to your sweet, sweet hound for being there with you. I’ve never been a self-harmer (I’m surprised, to be honest, that I haven’t tried it) but I have other demons I’ve created to lessen my agony, i.e. alcohol, binging….I’ve been sober for over a year but I’m still working on the binging, & I always will.

    ANYWAY, ‘nough about me me me. I think you are super-awesome and I want you to stay OUT of the hospital unless you need it! (And if you think you do, don’t hesitate. I’ve gone numerous times over the past 8 years, and while they sucked complete & total shit, the hospitalizations saved my life….)

    Sending you lots of hugs and please tell Bailey this:

    “Hi Bailey!!!! You are the cutest Basset Hound I have EVER seen!!! You’re way cuter than the Pioneer Woman’s Bassets! Seriously, tell your Mom that you should be on the cover of The Bugler – Basset Hound Magazine!!!!”

    Check this link out!

    http://www.basset.net/index.php?page=basset-hound-magazines

    xoxoxo
    Dy

    1. She is somethin’. I’m good. I just get so twisted in my head at times it throws me. How can I be so far one way and then not the next.

      I did mention to Paisley that you believe she is cover girl material… now she is trotting around the house stopping and admiring herself in all of the mirrors 😉 lol. Nah, she’s a sweet pea.

  2. Cut yourself. Do it. Keep cutting yourself right here.

    I call it bleeding on the page and find it cathartic and constructive and do some of it by hand. My journal and some of my poetry.

    Let the ink be your blood and do it up large on big pages.

    So here is a new trigger from me to you … when you see blood real or visualized … shoot us all and make us bleed

    1. interesting… I’m actually very private about it and this post was rather strange for me to write. I realize now that it came out more about the self-injury … obviously it was titled that… strange how posts end up competely upside down and inside out sometimes. i was more interested in the fact that i could feel so flipped out at one point and then less then 12 hours later be an entirely different person… that i could see that I was so seriously fucked up.

      self-injury isn’t about blood and bleeding to me. i’m sure it is in there somewhere.. i just don’t think about it like that. in fact, i truly only went through and actual phase of “cutting/bleeding”.

      Self-injury is soooo deep, isn’t it?

      1. That’s what I figured, but sometimes I have to be hit over the head with the obvious… well, actually, most of the time I have to be …. and, yes it changes very fast.

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