God made me as a test model!

I just want to be able to trust someone. That’s it. But the window is shrinking… and it’s not just guys. I never really trusted women much (at all really) and I just scratched one of them off the board. No, seriously, fuck that. It’s like I’m looking through some sort of camera lens and its collapsing in on me slowly. Done. And. Done. With this shit!

I suck at it anyway. I trust the wrong ones. Then I end up trusting the “right” ones at the wrong time and …

BASICALLY, I didn’t get a fucking Life Manual at birth! God forgot to program me with that shit. Instead, he made me the “Borderline Personality” model which came not only WITHOUT the damn manual, but with all the wires fucked up. I was a TEST MODEL! Only no one told my parents… Or, they were test models too…. wait, we were a TEST FAMILY!!!

Fuck my life! I think I just figured it out. This a test and we all failed.

Yeah, FML for sure… Seriously though… aren’t we all sort of test models? That’s why my BP II meds don’t work the same for you… or you… or you! Am I right? God bless it, this is so hard! Certainly is job sercurity for Therapy Man.

All of this because I don’t feel like I can’t trust anyone. Only because… I can’t! Fuckers! As I was saying… because this started off very serious… (I’m serious about the test model thing, tho). This trust issue I’m dealing with… I used to think it was all about just me making poor decisions all of time. But other than the fact that I’m a sickly trusting person… people also just suck sometimes! I shouldn’t trust everyone. Or, maybe, just don’t set myself up believing the world is full of honest, perfect people. Eh… I’m not entirely happy with that statement, but it’s the best that I have at the moment.  I know what I’m trying to say.  That’s what matters.

Ok. I’m done. I’m done with this issue anyway.

22 thoughts on “God made me as a test model!

  1. It’s a world full of assholes, it rarely to find a good soul 😦 hope your day gets better, were all guinea pigs trying to figure out what the fucks going on. If you find out let me know…

  2. Quiet Storm

    Do you have Borderline Personality Disorder combined with BPD 2? Or were you raised in a Borderline environment and have BPD 2?

      1. Quiet Storm

        Okay, I am not a psych-anything and this is not considered professional advice, but general advice from what I have researched:

        First of all – You are not done. You are human. All humans need to be around other humans. The problem you are having is with trust.

        Your Bipolar 2 side fucks around with you but it is manageable via medication and being aware when you are swinging from the North Pole to the South Pole. It is great when you have a disorder medication can manage, eh? I have BPD 2 as well (as you already know LOL)

        PTSD – that can be controlled through mindfulness and anxiety meds. I have that as well. It sucks.

        ADD – this is a NEUROLOGICAL DISORDER – not a mental illness. Why psychiatrists treat it and not a neurologist baffles me. If you read my “I am one of the 25% post https://adventuresofaformerscapegoat.wordpress.com/2014/11/19/i-am-one-of-the-25-long-very-personal-post/ you will see the different Executive Functions that are affected.

        Borderline Personality Disorder – I like to call it emotional regulation disorder. I was ANGRY with this disorder when I read about it. My mother is a malignant narcissist. She has undiagnosed Borderline as well as only God knows what.

        I have since met and am close friends with someone with Borderline. I understand the disorder, even though it has caused me pain, and I have empathy for you because it isn’t your fault and there is a reason you have it.

        I am not sure what caused your PTSD – I am assuming childhood trauma, but I could be wrong. If you are in an environment where your safety depends on someone who is not well, you are going to focus on their needs because either your life is in danger or you could get hurt.

        The end result is Borderline Personality Disorder. Now that your “saber tooth tiger” (what caused your PTSD is over, your brain has created neuropathways.

        These pathways in your brain changed to “I wonder if Bill is hungry” when you are hungry. You don’t want to be selfish and eat without Bill as you don’t want to piss him off. Bill is a great guy. He doesn’t care if you eat if he doesn’t need to eat. This is just an example.

        For every friend you meet you create a mask or a false self. Whenever your friend is there, you put it on. You act like you think they want you to act.

        This will keep happening until you get some SERIOUS hardcore DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy).

        Once you get a “friend” you tend to over analyze. You have black and white thinking.

        “Bill didn’t answer his text within 10 minutes like normal, he hates me! Fuck him, I am tired of this. No one respects me!”

        Bill had an exam and couldn’t get his phone.

        You have fear of abandonment. You hate being alone! When you are home, you over think things and you post this ^.

        My thoughts in a nutshell because I rambled is this:
        1. You REALLY need DBT from a counselor that is familiar with Borderline Personality Disorder and Comorbidity.
        2. I would be happy to be your friend. We both have disorders in common. I feel empathy for your pain.
        3. What I see in this post is pain. It is hardcore pain. There is also confusion. Someone shit on your trust and now you are all over the place, you just want some type of stable relationship but you tend to push people away without realizing it.
        4. Take a break and breathe. Do some relaxation techniques.
        5. Ultimately, if you can live independent of the good and bad thoughts of others, your life will be changed. It is very Zen but it is very true. You deserve happiness.
        6. Lastly, read the shit out of things regarding Borderline Personality Disorder. Left untreated, you can become diabolical and a hurricane because you are just fucking angry because things are fucked up – you don’t know why – so fuck everyone *looking at post* you don’t want to live like that. You can have friends – even invisible ones like myself or someone else who “gets” your struggle.
        7. You are no mistake or fuck up – you are who you are because you were born into a tough set of circumstances that rendered you confused when it comes to human conflict and emotions. This isn’t forever, things can get better.

        Lots of Hugs ❤

      2. I did read your 25% post. Liked it very much! Thank you so much for all of this information and such a well thought out and meaningful and caring post!!! I had just walked into therapy when you sent it. I just got home from the 2 1/2 drive….

        I can tell you that I have learned a lot about the need for taking deep breathes for sure! I’m not good at it, but I am very aware of the need for them. I have done DBT and am currently working through ACT – acceptance commitment therapy which has been an great also.

        I would love to be friends – fyi, you are real to me tho, not invisible. My invisible ones are usually cartoon characters and shit like that 🙂 You have shown so much support! Your amazing! Thank you so much!

  3. disconcerted72

    I’m sorry for this thing you got going on, my friend. I used to have a saying, “Everyone has an asshole, but some are just bigger.”

    And as to being test models? I think there is some wisdom in that realization – many of us simply do not know everything there is to know about anything. Sometimes life is just about trying to determine the way we fit into it.

  4. I loved this post – I want to assure you that I don’t mean to make light of the hell you’ve been going through; I can tell by your writing you are such a good person – you are intelligent and funny and insightful & a great writer. I loved your post because I connected with it! I don’t feel like I can trust anyone right now but my 8 month-old puppy Lucy. I shit you not, Jami!!!!!

    Top top things off, I broke off TWO female friendships over the past month that sent me totally reeling. One was an internet “friendship” with a mom with bipolar who lives on the other side of the country. I had done so many nice things for this person, but as time went on I had a bad feeling she’d turn on me someday. I allowed her to use me, so that was my fault….long story short: one day when I was very sick, she went off at me out of the blue via email accusing me of slandering her to other people (which was pure b.s.!!!!) What she wrote was totally insulting, paranoid, & utterly bizarre batshit – and thank God I was able to cut her off and block her immediately from my life.

    The other mom “friendship” has been much more difficult to cut off as this woman lives less than 5 minutes away from me and our kids go to the same school. It really, REALLY sucks. She mainly communicated with me through texts. I didn’t know how to end the friendship, which is my bad, so one day I texted her. I wrote that due to fatigue from my 3 medications, I wouldn’t be able to do playdates for a while. (This wasn’t really a total lie….) Her reply? “Good luck!” That was the nail in the coffin, as the right thing to do (in my lameass opinion) would be to text back, “Let me know if I can help.” (I had done some very nice things for HER too! I’ve got to stop doing nice things for people who aren’t healthy for me to be around!!!!!!!) So fuck that!

    Sorry to vent………….I’m tempted to erase this comment as you have enough to deal with, but I’m going to force myself to post it anyway. :0

    take care, you got such a wonderful comment from Quiet Storm and great support/empathy. And you deserve that, Jami.

    1. 🙂 so glad you didn’t delete this girlfriend! You said I have a lot on my plate… I suppose that I do. Part of the reason that I continue to function is because I come here and dump. There are days where it doesn’t probably make sense or might complete contradict what I said the day before because that is exactly how my head works… one of those contradictions, I feel is “friends” and how I might define them (i hate that word – define). I noticed you have it in quotations also. I am not a good face to face person. As you can see from Quiet Storm’s great comment, I have reasons for that… but here in this space it’s easier to at least communicate and get past some junk that holds me back. Its not a perfect situation. Nothing is, but I look forward to the chances to reach out… thank for doing so!!!!!

      1. Thank you sooooo much – what a fabulous reply. You truly get it!!!! And great minds think alike, ha ha ha! (“friends” being in quotations and all!)

        I’ll keep reaching out here, then, as you’ve made me feel good about it! But I promise not to go on and on and on….well, I’ll try! 😉

      2. Are you kidding??? Please keeping reaching!!!! 🙂 I need the reaching!!!!! 🙂 Just excuse the mess if I accidently throw up on you… it’s nothing personal 🙂

  5. gods, I can relate to this — ALL of it. I’m so scared to trust anyone because I’ve been fucked over too many times, that even when people who are good attempt friendship I freeze. you’ve gotten so many comments that are wiser than anything I would be able to say, I just wanted to let you know I was here and heard you and support you. 🙂

    And I don’t know if QuietStorm will see this, but the info you provided is amazing, as was your approach. I’m sorry you had a borderline mother and suffered so much.

    hugs for you, Jami!!

    1. I love hearing from everyone…. We all have so much to say and so much to help eachother… Thank you!!!! People are scary! That’s how I see…. Plain and simple. I have missed you..

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