I’ve said it a lot – maybe just to myself. I have a lot of those conversations…. But I think I’ve said it a lot… this is my journal and I put it online. I have been in therapy for a LONG time and/but I do understand that there is benefit in hearing other people’s stories. So, I put it online. And, I read other journals for that very reason.
Lately I have felt like the screen has been holding me hostage. Maybe I’m holding back and afraid to write what I really come to write. Afraid that I’ll offend someone. Some comments I got a month or two back shook me – some games that were being played.. Yeah.. But it slowed me down for a bit and then stopped me for a bit. I realized that THAT was bullshit. I get that we are all a struggling here so I guess it is what it is. I have to realize that. I just hate it.
I need this place tho. I came here last summer day in and day out. I worked my ass off. I got somewhere with it and felt good. I need to get back to talking to myself and getting back in control of my head and not my head in control of me…. which sounds incredibly weird… eh.. but it makes sense to me.
You want to stay angry Jami. You want to stay down.
It’s easier. It’s where I am comfortable. It’s me!
You worked too damn hard last summer in your blue Adirondack chair with your pup by your side…. the battlefield high on the hill… ignoring those fucking Orcs. Jason was on his way out ON YOUR TERMS. You were going to be ok. You were ready. You were working so hard. What the fuck happened?
I don’t know. School started and he didn’t leave.I wasn’t ready. I just haven’t recovered yet. And all these people are in my space now and I’m just not there… I don’t know where “there” is, but I know that there is a “there”. My plan was that I’d make it and he wasn’t going to be in it and I’d be so much better off. I’d STILL BE SAFE and this time it’d be on my own.
Too many “there”s, but I get it. It is still out here, girl. And, he is definitely gone. And, it is the best thing that could have happened to you at this point in your life. It’s just the battlefield. Step back and let it happen. It will go on without you, Sweet Pea. It doesn’t need you. So don’t give up. Not yet. Get back to it… You got this girl!