Warning: this may sound weird, but I am locked in my bathroom and all I have is my tablet. The closest person to me is a good hour out… so…. yeaahhh…. It’s gonna be a good minute or two.
So, I decided I’d read… I’ve been reading Brene Brown’s book, “Daring Greatly”. Currently she’s talking about self love. So, naturally I got squimmish and started to shut down. Stop reading! All done! Next! Ya see, self love pisses me off. And, that’s not a good thing because the bottle of xanax is on the kitchen counter….
For whatever reason, this has been a horrible week. I woke up Thursday morning closer to wanting to die – or not wanting to live – than I can ever remember. I wonder, at times, if we are made to forget the other times we’ve been so low, but I digress. This week sucked! I fight happiness at every turn. I refuse to accept that I’m remotely worthy of pretty much anything. I have argued with my therapist to the point that he has actually told me that he’s done giving me sympathy.
As I read Brene I just couldn’t wrap my head around how uncomfortable I was and why I hate myself so much? At this point, 48 years old, is it just a habit, maybe? I mean seriously? I really think it might be. I say I’m fighting happiness at every turn yet I don’t know why… maybe I can’t figure it out because there is nothing to fight anymore.
I wonder what it would feel like if I just stepped off my back and left myself alone for a change?!?!? Honestly, just thinking about it is kinda exciting. And, luckily the need for xanax has subsided! Yeah… still stuck in here!
I don’t know. Just something to think about.
Um… thanks for keeping me company? Ok, how awkward is that? No seriously. I’m just sitting here typing.. and reading.. ok, I was reading and then typing. I’m going back to reading now… ok, I’m going to stop now.