no more…

Jason,

This isn’t a beg or a plea or anything. I’m just giving up on everything. I know you don’t care. You won’t even read this. It probably gets blocked or deleted right away.

I can’t do any of this anymore. I’ve always envied you. Getting it done no matter what. You said you just don’t have a choice. I know I don’t either. But my head just took over finally.

I can’t listen to lies anymore. I can’t sit and be blantly lied to knowing the truth anymore and just let it happen. (This isn’t about you – that was never about you). I can’t watch people treat one another like they are just no one …. Just pieces in this game to move forward in whatever THEY want for themselves. No regard for anyone but themselves.

I watch people hurt others for the littlest and most insignificant reasons. And I’ve been a part of that. And I can’t do that anymore.

No one listens to me. They just tell me that I’m the insignificant one. I’m the emotional one. That I care too much. Jesus when did that become such a horrible problem.

You listened. Or at least you pretended to and that was enough. That is why all the other stuff was worth it. That’s why I fell in love with you. I’m sorry for that. I know what you really wanted all along, but I know what I needed and so I gave it to you.

I don’t know what I’m going to do but it’s not going to be good. None of this matters anyway. You aren’t going to read this. And if you did you won’t say anything. You’ll just think it’s another reason to get your attention but it’s not. It’s just me. I can’t go on like this anymore. You are by far the safest person I can tell it to. I know you won’t do anything about it. That I can count on. No games tho. Just my safe place.

Jami

In my deepest and darkest, this is how bad it gets. It scares me that I can feel this way. It scares me that I feel like I don’t have a physical person I feel like I can turn to – other than my therapist – someone I feel safe enough to go to. It scares the complete shit out of me. I wrote it this morning before work… then got here… again… I sit at my desk and I look out at them and put it together and teach them.
Today it’s Cosine. And I will do an amazing job of it… they haven’t figured it out yet. I doubt they will. I’ve been fighting all of this my entire career and the students never seem to know. I would think that after 22 years of it, one of them would have legitimately figured it out by now. My school knows. They tried to do something about my absenses last year and basically shot themselves in the foot. Now they have to do all of this extra stuff for me because I’m “disabled”. I don’t want it, but everyone tells me to make sure I have them follow through with it all. So I do. But it’s not what I care about. Right now I don’t care about shit.
I’m done for right now. I’m not where I was at 5 am. It scares me to think I may go back there again soon. I’m not suicidal. Or destructive like that in general… my brain is… I guess.. I don’t know how to explain it really. It just scares the hell out of me.

21 thoughts on “no more…

  1. disconcerted72

    Here’s a profound virtual hug, my friend!

    Know that there are people that root for you; there are people that allow you to just be; know that although there are people out there that you may never meet, they still care; know that it is okay to feel and to feel deeply.

    1. Yeah…… I just realized how STUPID selfish this sounded…. You guys are great and THANK YOU! I know you care……… and it means so much. I’m sure it’s why this was posted. Thank you, my friend!

      1. disconcerted72

        Don’t judge yourself for thinking about yourself. There is no problem with being self-centered, unless it is done out of spite for others. Sometimes people assume selfishness is wrong; but breathing, for example, is a very self-centered thing to do and it must be done! 🙂

  2. I can totally relate to the feeling of not having a physical person to turn to, and I know it sucks and is scary. we’re all here for you, but sometimes that just isn’t the same. but we care about you and I’m so proud of you that you made it to work and are trying so hard. big hugs!!!

      1. Omg, MY turn to be sorry — I don’t feel like you think any less of me because I’m in this cyber world. There IS no a difference because maybe you want to be held or just patted comfortingly …. You have absolutely NOTHING to to apologize for. Nothing. 🙂

      1. Ha. You don’t but thanks anyway. You have nothing to be sorry for. Its just that I understand so much better now and have become more compassionate towards others because of what I have been through and I don’t regret it. Bless you girl.

      2. I am not suicidal. I’ve never actually been. I just want to quit. What options that leaves me with… I’m not sure. Anyway, the feelings have subsided some… some… But thank you for listening and writing. Thank you for showing up.

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