I’m jealous of your default… that’s all.

This morning sucked and I almost didn’t make it.

I hate people who can get up and go and don’t feel like Gulliver with those little people strapping him down with those ropes and shit….

I hate the people that I sit with at lunch telling their stories about their kids and how much fun they have with their lives. Smiling for the hell of it. Being happy, just to be happy.

I was thinking about it last night –  Over-thinking it, of course, because I’m cursed like that – and there is definitely something wrong with my brain because try as I do I just don’t do happy like people around me. It’s not my default.

I want it to be, but it’s not. God, how I want it to be.

My default is paranoia.

…. yeah, yeah, I don’t hate those people. Not at all. It’s just that my superhero power is JEALOUSY and I’m jealous of it! I’m jealous of their default.

I KNOW, I KNOW… it’s not all roses and sunshine for everyone but me. I get that. I’m sure it’s not. But, I know my brain doesn’t do what theirs does normally.

I’m sick of looking over my shoulder all of the time for NO reason. And, knowing that it’s for no reason. Why does my head do that? I’m tired of hearing the answer to that and not being able to change it.

Paranoia sucks.

Yeah…………. just a shitty day! And, it’s November so this weather thing is just startin’…….

Thank God for blogging! I can come here and vomit and move on!

So… How’s YOUR day? What’s YOUR Superhero Power?

Moving on!

12 thoughts on “I’m jealous of your default… that’s all.

  1. disconcerted72

    Well, I hate to say that I’m glad that someone else is having a crummy day, but there is some comfort in knowing you’re not alone in misery.

    I hope your day gets better.

      1. disconcerted72

        Hmmm…I don’t know if I have one. Sometimes it seems like life is something to be managed and that there is very little control we actually have over it…

  2. hmm, I have a lot to choose from using your definition, lol.

    I think I would probably be known as the Volatile Princess. the colors around me would keep changing with my mood because it shifts so much. there would be a lot of reds, for rage, because I’m so angry about things I can’t change that weren’t my fault (and things that were my fault).

    And so you know … I’m jealous of their default also. I just never had the guts to say it out loud like you did. you’re awesome. 🙂 xo

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