1, 2, 3… Here Comes the Shame

But I’m holding on for dear life, won’t look down won’t open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, ‘cos I’m just holding on for tonight
Help me, I’m holding on for dear life, won’t look down won’t open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, ‘cos I’m just holding on for tonight
On for tonight

Sun is up, I’m a mess
Gotta get out now, gotta run from this
Here comes the shame, here comes the shame

There is no question that this is a weird-ass video. Shame is weird as hell. I have been hiding in it for a long time. Or, it’s been hiding me. Or, trapping me,  restraining me,  holding me hostage. Hell, I don’t know. I’m not sure if it’s going to let go. Maybe I don’t want it to let go. Maybe it’s my excuse to stay miserable. My excuse to not be happy. Therapy man keeps harping on “happiness”.

Apparently, the song is about alcohol addiction. I’m not a drinker. Gratefully, I don’t have an addiction to pills or alcohol. But I do have my addiction issues. And, with addiction comes shame. I have a boatload of Shame. To me, the song is just about holding on. It’s about that thread that we cling to…….

I wrote about the award I got the other day. At the end, I said that I nominated the blogs that I did because they all show that they LOVE life in some way even if they may not know it. A lot of them talk about how angry and confused they are  – or frustrated – or talk about the horrible stuff they have experienced. That doesn’t sound like they love life. I get that, but they are here. They haven’t quit… maybe they have tried, but they show up! Maybe saying they LOVE life is too strong, but they don’t seem to have given up on it at least.

It’s that thread… that we all hold onto for dear life… I envision mine to be red  – frayed – yarnish type thread. I have no idea what keeps it from breaking. I have put so much weight on it. The shame alone should have snapped it a long time ago. But it stays strong.

I don’t know if I necessarily have to look at all the shit that makes up the shame that is trapping me???? Do I? I don’t really know how I’m going to get through it, though, if I don’t???? Shit! Something has to go… has to move… I can’t sit here in this muck…. I’ve cleared out the distraction piece and so far haven’t shoved anything else into it’s place. So, now I’m looking at the ugliness. It doesn’t go away. It’s there… GLARING AT ME!!!! HELLO………….. UGLY SHIT! I’ve tried putting it aside and that works for a bit, but then some little piece of bullshit triggers something and BAM! Fucked again…..

Obviously, that’s why I have been distracting myself for so long! Obviously, that’s where the addiction to the bad men has come from! Obviously… I’M JUST SCREWED!!! Big Cycle!!!! BIG UGLY CYCLE…. and on the other side of it is the BIG UGLY TRUTH….. YUCK. hmmmmmmm

1, 2, 3…. 1, 2, 3… Bad men

1, 2, 3… 1, 2, 3… Bad men

1, 2, 3… 1, 2, 3… Bad men…. NO!

Moving on…

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