Courage Up

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Ain’t it the truth…

Problem is my tears belong to so much pain inside my soul that I can’t stand to feel it… I can’t sit with it long enough to get to the cleasning part. Every time I give into the anger and I hurt people.

Oh, there’s the “every time”. The extreme. The hot. The cold. The black. The white. No, I probably don’t do it every time. But, when push comes to shove (and sometimes quite literally) I can’t hold on to the pain long enough to let my tears cleanse my heart.

Honestly, I wish I could. I bet it’s an amazing feeling. Not because the Pope said so… I actually liked that Pope. I actually like the present Pope. I’m not going there. I don’t talk religion. Ever.  I just hold onto the belief that I’m not suppose to be in this much pain… I’m not sure why. I just do.

People talk about giving up. About attempting suicide… not once has that crossed my mind. I don’t know how that is. I have just been lucky in life that I’m not afflicted with that part of the disease. I am very grateful for that! A demon I don’t have to fight.  At the same time, I am stuck here day in and day out in the emotional pain knowing that I am probably going to get stuck again… and yet again…

So, if maybe this time I could just let myself go long enough with the pain… feel it… cry about it long enough… let my heart ……

Let my heart? What? I don’t even know…. just get fucking better this time???

* shrug *

We’ll see.  It’s not about a guy… it’s about a loss… about a mistake… about a choice… or just about a road I chose or didn’t.  Screw it….

Its about sadness…. I need to feel it long enough to get through it that’s all. I need to “courage up” and feel the pain and not cause any for anyone else instead.

That’s it… I tell my students to “courage up” and not quit on themselves all the time. My turn I guess.

Over and out.

7 thoughts on “Courage Up

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