Fighting Control

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Feeling smart this morning because that’s a Socrates quote….

I was talking with a “friend” – oh, I laugh as I use that term, but as I was talking to him I was freaking out because I was describing a situation that I was angry about. Another “friend” had basically done – in my opinion –  a very serious back-stabbing job on me (yesh, the childishness). She had talked to a not-so- friend and basically I realized at that very moment that what I was most angry about was that I was not there to CONTROL that conversation. That is the part that was pissing me off the most.

Ohhhh.. the sticky, gooeyness of childishness that just ooozed from that paragraph. However, the truthfulness of how horrible it was that I was so angry that I couldn’t control it… I don’t have words to properly describe the level of anger. eeeeeeeeee….

I spent the weekend looking back on my week which nearly took me down. I did miss work – which was a simple goal of mine not to do. Don’t miss work over emotional issues. I’m borderline… emotions rip me to shreds… what can I say. But, I digress. As I looked back over it, I just kept swirling around this control issue… Mostly, letting go of control of things that already happened… trying to somehow fix them???? Wanting to lash out…. STILL….

Well, Ms. Jamilouise, trying to somehow “fix” shit you can’t is called trying to control it… I gander to say… it’s what gets you into all the ugly places you end up… I think the unfortunate truth is that you are gonna have to sit through it all, baby doll,  and feel it all… Gee, I haven’t heard that one before… I hate that shit!

Yesterday I posted a video of Brene Brown talking a bit about shame. I think I’m going to continue to work with that… might help me back off the Control-Train…. I hope, I hope. As doubtful as I believe it possible. I need to get off the battlefield and back to my life.

Who fucking knows…… ok, Over and out.

4 thoughts on “Fighting Control

  1. Favorite borderline quote: ” a borderline suffers a kind of emotional hemophilia; she lacks the clotting mechanism needed to moderate her spurts of feeling. Prick the delicate skin of a borderline and she will emotionally bleed to death.”

    As always your posts are right on with my brain and what it’s like being borderline!!! Here’s to a good Monday!!
    Xoxoxo

      1. Me too!!! Especially because I learn the same lesson SO MANY times and every time I’m like “ok that hurt, don’t do that again”….days later…same thing, same or different person…same spin cycle in brain…,eggghhhhhhh!!!!

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