Shame depends on me buying into the belief that I am alone. Brene Brown
I have been telling my story a lot lately… wondering how honest I have been about it. Thank God for the therapist because I am so ashamed of myself and I can trust to tell him the truth of what I have been doing… I have been here a lot. I have been telling bits and pieces.. not that I haven’t been honest, because I have. I just haven’t gone into great detail because it’s so childish and … well, pretty shameful.
So I talked to my sister for the first time in quite awhile today and she directed me to a TEDtalk. This woman, Brene Brown, you see in the Oprah video (there is a little squiggle over one of her letters in her first name… not a techie, sorry Ms. Brown). It was a talk about vulnerability. That talk led to a talk about shame… and that talk led to me thinking HOLY CRAP I THINK THAT’S IT…..
I’m not angry. (maybe a little)
I’m not avoiding responsibility. (maybe a little)
I’m not hurt. (ok, a lot)
I don’t feel guilty. (uh, yeah, a little)
I’m suffering from soooo much shame. Not just over this last episode, but over so fucking much! I am talking so much SHAME that it outweighs those other things so much that they don’t even exist… (maybe the broken-heart…ok, the anger… definitely not the responsibility part tho).
But seriously. I’m serious! HOLY SHIT! I heard this woman just say the word SHAME and the heavens opened. I’m not saying I had a religious experience and I am healed. I’m just saying that I think I know where I need to go…. it’s not about happiness. It’s not about anger. It’s not about love or any of those things. I need to deal with “THE” shame.
Get the picture yet? It clicked….
eh, for today anyway…. it’s my new thing… or my thing to help me back to the battlefield. Or, wait, AWAY from the battlefield. That’s what I’m striving for. I want to get back to where I was before my life blew up again. Ok, ok, for responsibility sake… before I blew up my world again…. Jesus, I hate therapists who are actually good!