The pain is back this morning as I expect it will be for awhile.. off and on. It’s mixed with anger and disgust and the bullshit responsibility that I am suppose to be taking for all of it… all of the fucked up actions that I should be taking responsibility for in all of this. And THAT only conveniently ADDS to the anger. Thank you Mr. Therapy-Man. Good thing I love that man (in a purely “get me better” manner).
Did I mention frustration up there in all of that? Clearly I am in the midst of the battlefield that I worked so hard last summer to stay out of. And, clearly, at this point I don’t care. Not a fucking bit! I will roll around and wrestle with the damn Orcs all day today if I choose. It’s a relatively beautiful day out to waste. What the heck.
Responsibility. That word shut my therapy session down for a cool 25 minutes the other day. NOT A WORD WAS SPOKEN. I’m not one for NOT talking. I usually have a lot to say.
Always interesting to me when a therapist suggests that we don’t take responsibility for our actions. (side note: I hate taking responsibility so much that I had to spell check all 3 times that I typed it.)
Why no, Therapy-man, I enjoyed showing my ass to the entire world like that. It wasn’t embarrassing at all to wake up the next day or come out of that episode looking around at all of the destruction I caused… It was enjoyable finding out that I survived a hospital visit – or better yet….that I didn’t end up in jail! Hell no, that wasn’t a bother at all and I’m not taking a damn bit of responsibility for it! You’re right!!!
Ok… now that I got that out…. I actually did sorta go down that road with him, but… yeah. It’s sorta like putting the cart before the horse or the chicken and the egg issue here for me. It’s not like I wake up and decide that I’m going to go crazy… it’s a progression. I take my meds. Have always taken my medicine. I’m bipolar. I take bipolar medication. HOWEVER… the issues that cause the problems are the PTSD and the borderline disorders…. when it all boils down to it… they hide and I think I’ve got a great hold on ’em and then OMG out of nowhere………………….. WHAM!
Crash and burn, crash and burn and I’m in the office having the responsibility talk like I’m a 12 year old. In all fairness, I’d say more like 16 because that’s about the way I was/have been and still feel as though I could be acting.
Then… we start talking and I start getting defensive and hell if we can’t get anywhere with it… Just makes me look even more like an irresponsible ass.
Back to the cart before the horse issue. Of course I take responsibility for my actions. I have feelings or feel for people that don’t even have feelings for themselves. I know that sounds insane (um, consider the source). I cannot stand to be around people who are hurting. It destroys me. So… I feel it for them. I don’t have a clue where that comes from, but I have ended up in 3 very destructive marriages and just finished up with a relationship that lasted way too long and nearly destroyed a very healthy one because of it… DON’T FEEL BAD PEOPLE… because I will find you and I will try to fix you… God wired me that way… which is why I am always having a toddler fit with God. But, that’s an entirely different post that I don’t have nerve to write.
So…. am I off topic again? Is anyone still reading? Not that it matters. I do this for me anyway….. I just don’t know. I know I fight responsibility. But, I also know that I am aware that I tear people up and spit them out when I am in full-blown Destructo-mode. I don’t mean to… it is as far away from who I am that I know…. it just happens. But, I do take full responsibility. Unfortunately, it’s usually too late.
Gah….. these diseases just double-fuck us. We don’t want to let people in because they leave when we do… or we destroy them and they have no choice….. I worked SO HARD… Harder then I have ever cared to work before in my life… last summer. I really thought I’d gotten somewhere. And, in all honesty, I did get somewhere. Once I am over the anger and frustration and … yes… heartbreak… I’ll get back to it…
Excuse me, for now… I’m going out to fight some Orcs.
Over and out.