This is my protector. She is the one I trust. Today… the only one. Back in my blue Adirondack chair today as I took the day off from teaching. I may be taking the day off from everything. And since it is Friday and my boyfriend is away for the weekend at yet another fishing tournament, I may be taking the whole damn weekend off from it all.
I don’t trust people to such a degree that I end up trusting everyone with everything. I know that doesn’t make a lick of sense. I’m complicated. If you spent sometime in my space you’d probably understand. However, after this past week, I have no space for anyone. Except, Paisley the Protector.
Still watching out…..
I don’t make friends easily… and in all fairness it’s hard being my friend. On my side of it, it isn’t easy because I don’t trust them (I know a contradiction right off the bat – just bare with me) because I know they cannot handle my intensity when I’m struggling. I warn them that I am too much, but they don’t understand. Well, I used to warn them but they all bailed and so I just gave up.
But, I was tricked… ok, not tricked. I just thought I was actually having a big girl friendship. I was wrong and it all went to hell. It was all very deceiving and manipulative. I could see if she felt I was in a space and she needed to contact my therapist – because she did that and it was ok (sort of) but there was so much other backdoor stuff behind it that I still can’t even wrap my mind around it. Even my therpist can’t at the moment.
Borderline people are difficult. I try not to ride that pony as an excuse. I hate it… when it gets away from me it gets away. I will do everything I can to not take responsibility for it, I know that- I think a lot of us do (crappy ass excuse, I know) BUT, I have never ignored it. I have never hidden it from people or friends – if I’ve bothered to have them. I constantly check in with them and tell them that I’m in a bad space and I know I’m difficult. They should step back or out. DO NOT TELL ME THAT YOU CAN HANDLE IT AND THEN PULL THE RUG OUT FROM UNDER ME OUT OF NOWHERE… ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ARE 2 YEARS IN.. oh, just forget it. There is no especially, I guess.
Really, what does it matter… I am so disillusioned by relationships in general. I don’t understand them. I am horrible myself in them. Horrible, with a capital H. I’ve just never expected anything from myself because I’ve always known that I am flawed… that there is something really wrong with my perspective on life. SHITTY, I know. I know. I know. Not fair to expect more from others….
Or, maybe it’s that I have been constantly let down by relationships. I don’t want to give up on anyone though because it is not in my nature to give up… or trust me I would have by now. But at this point…
I am exhausted. I have a feeling I am talking in a giant cirle. Whatever I suppose.
I will just move along…. Paisley will be here.
Securing the perimeter…
I am angry to the Nth degree at the moment. My borderline… PTSD and I suppose bipolar are in full swing. Although, I’m leaning towards the mood disorders taking control. It’s an anger that xanax really can’t help and so taking it for anything other than helping sleep seems wasteful. I’m going to try to take care of myself this weekend. At least we are supposed to have nice weather. I’ll take my protector on some adventures maybe. If I can get out of the Lego house.
…… over and out….