The serenity prayer and control

In therapy once we were talking about the serenity prayer… I think it may have been one of my first experiences with it. This was back in the very early 90s and then people were using it, it seemed in 12 step programs primarily. I was not a stranger to AA, just hadn’t discovered where I quite belonged. Many years later I found myself very happily attending Emotions Anonymous meetings.

But I digress… shocking.

So…. we were breaking down the prayer because who knows, I probably needed to do that….

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

And then she said to me…. “and of course add, or the the right to change.

What?!?! Or the right to change?  You can’t just change the serenity prayer – which I’m fairly sure I should be capitalizing just out of respect for the prayer itself!

But, I stopped and realized she was calling me a control freak in her therapist-way and realized she was probably correct.

I’m still doing it…. trying to change and control everything.  I realized this morning I was trying to control how I wake up.  Put it in this little box and do it exactly the same way every single time… don’t sway… What?!?!? It’s waking up for God’s sake, Jami… it should be the most non-controlled – do whatever the heck ya wanna do to enter the day – ya want experience ya got…. if ya can’t relax to start with, I’m thinkin’ your day might be a littled screwed.

Again, I digress…I do this control thing… Walking around thinking I have the right to do so. Hiding behind this victim-status that someone gave to me along the way… saying to myself, I’m too scared to take control of anything. That’s a load of crap.  It’s a game I play with myself and then before I know it. Big whammy!!! I am the king of the universe and I am going to spite you if you don’t let me play with your Tonka dump truck in the sand box.

Seriously, that did happen to me when I was 8.  I’m pretty sure I handled that better than I did my last tantrum 40 years later, however.  Just a side note there.

God (?) grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change – or have the right to change. The courage to change the things I can. And, the wisdom to know the difference. 

I can pull it a part in a thousand directions… anyway I do it comes down to one thing… letting go of control. Having courage. Courage indeed.

Courage indeed… over and out peeps.

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