Someone asked about the story that I elluded to in my last post. Apparently I was not talking out loud in my posts again. The nerve I have sometimes… Seriously! I’m a mind reader… in my opinion, the best damn mind reader in the universe. Thank you very much! *curtsey* And, I feel like others should read between the lines and read my mind and understand everything I’m trying to say – ESPECIALLY when I don’t say it.
But… I definitely didn’t say it. I elluded to it a couple of times. Elluded to “Jason” several times in my posts. I think I avoided a full-blown post because I have been embarassed. I have had a pretty great boyfriend for the last year and a half. We’ve had our issues. But, for the most part… it’s been great. What I have done to him has been horrible.
And now here I am.
It started almost 2 1/2 years ago with Jason… it didn’t even start out innocently. Not! At! All! I knew what was going on the minute it started. I knew he had girlfriend. I was single. It was his problem. He wasn’t married. If it got to that I’d walk away. It never got to that. He was hot. I was fat. He smiled at me…… Did I mention he was hot and I was not. I’d just gotten out of a horrible marriage. I didn’t even want a relationship – that’s bullshit, but it sounded good. 2 1/2 years later it still sounds good, doesn’t it? No. He’s still hot though. He’s not smiling anymore. He’s still not married. I’m not fat anymore. I’m not sure he’s in a relationship at all – although they were so dysfunctional themselves that it wouldn’t surprise me if they have kissed and made up and were back together even after the storm – that was Jami – went crashing through.
If you listen carefully to this song you can hear and feel the push and and pull in it… and that is what it was like the whole time with him. Pulling and pushing himself in and out of my life whenever he wanted and I let it because I thought that’s what I wanted. I didn’t need to get close… or so I thought. I couldn’t get hurt that way, maybe? Or, maybe I knew he never wanted me but it was an excuse to still let him in my life… for 2 and 1/2 years I could still let him in my life knowing he didn’t want anything more from me… he never wanted me the way I really wanted him.
I finally snapped and went about destroying him last week for good… that’s what the last post was about.
My therapist said to me that I don’t need to struggle anymore. I don’t need to be the victim any longer. He said I’ve done enough struggling. I can stop. Yeah, yeah… yeah… yeah… how am I a victim after I did what I did to Jason…….. yeah. I know. And… yeah.. I know.. be gentle with yourself, Jami. I’m not being condescending… I actually know what you are saying. I’m just touchy all around right now.
We, my therapist and I, got into in his office the other day. He said all I had to do was listen to him and I would get better. OH REALLY… that is all, huh? That easy… people just lining up outside your door to hear your wisdom… and POOF… all better. That easy! Yeah… I knew what he was saying. I knew he was pushing me… fucker. Rough session!
I loved him and I hated him… Jason, not the therapist. Maybe I didn’t, actually, because I’m not entirely sure I know what love is because I if admit to it… then I absolutely have to admit to having my heart broken. Then, I absolutely have to admit to having my heart broken by so many people in my past… including my family. Including my friends. Including everyone I have ever cared about. And, I’m sorry… don’t tell me that life is about being disappointed. “Life, Jami, isn’t fair.” Bullshit. Who the hell decided that one? Why the hell can’t it be? That’s my question? Why does it have to be evil? Who fucking decided that for all of us? Let me guess??? That would be our “God”? Mmmm…. I shall not go there in this post…
When I hurt, I hurt to the ends of the earth. I hurt so deeply that I feel like I am crawling on my belly in thorns and mud and slop thick for miles and miles… for days on end… for people that don’t even give a shit. That’s the way it was when I was a kid growing up. I hurt for them because they should have been hurting and they couldn’t or wouldn’t… or weren’t capable.. or didn’t fucking know better. Because someone told them it wasn’t ok to hurt… but they needed to and I knew it and so I did it for them. They were so fucked up and traumatized that they didn’t even know which way was up. So I took it on for them. I have no idea why. I just did. I was so young. So little… looking back on it now… What the fuck?
I forgot to grow up…
Then I snapped suddenly. Suddenly? Bipolar II? Maybe. Borderline Personality? Maybe. Product of my environment? Maybe. Sooner or later it was bound to happen. Don’t ya think?
And… it… did… unfortunately I destoryed somone who probably didn’t necessarily deserve it. Ok, he was a piece of poop, in all fairness. He has cheated on every woman he’s ever been with in his life… BUT, HELLLO…. this girl hasn’t been a princess. I’ve been hiding behind a mental illness… THAT’S NOT COOL.
Although, when the disaster hit, it was behavior that I didn’t have control over. It was mania, for sure! I’m serious. I had no desire – not once in the time I was with Jason to ever tell his girlfriends (yes, more than one) anything that he was doing. It was his business. I had my own guilt to deal with. He was serving a purpose in my life that I was working through with my therapist. And, it’s ok to call bullshit on me for that. But for some reason I snapped… that was all something way bigger than I had control over. I wish I had… and when it went rolling… it rolled. Again.. that was yesteday’s post.
So… Alex… that’s my “story”. And… a whole lot more than you asked for I think… Miss you sista! I’m still hurtin sooo much. But I’m here.
Over and out for now!