when the dust settled… this is what I realized

It hit me yesterday, now that the dust has settled, that I have destoryed this guy’s happiness. I did it hiding behind my demons. In all truthfullness, I WAS in full demonic, bipolar, borderline-bullshit swing and had lost complete control, but I really screwed this guy’s life up for no other reason than I was pissed that he didn’t want me. I was angry. And, I lost it. I let the battle take over and I went in a very heavy hitter. And, I made damn sure he lost.

By now, if you’ve been reading, you’ve heard the story. No need to rehash it.

I know. I should be kind to myself. I know. I should.

I should continue back on my road to happiness… or ordinary living… I like “oridinary”. I read it in a blog once and it made so much more sense to me than “normal”.

I should let go and move forward…

Ugh…. I’m just stuck. Just so fucking stuck. Maybe I want to be. Maybe I don’t want to be over him still. Maybe I want to continue to beat myself up because I’m used to suffering and that’s what this is about. Maybe it’s comfortable. Maybe it’s too much trouble to get better. Maybe……. fear. Maybe………… I just don’t know.

Maayyybbbeee…. I like being crazy and fucked up.. Mayybee my anger is my mania and it felt good?

My diagnosis is Bipolar II. I don’t usually get to hung up on diagnoses, but I do know that the mania episodes are different and I have been told that my mania presents itself differently – ie; as anger. I always wondered how a person could enjoy mania??? I think I’m starting to understand it. There’s this sick thrill to it.

Not that I enjoy this outcome. Not that I want him unhappy. Not that I am AT ALL proud of my behavior. BECAUSE THAT ISN’T EVEN CLOSE… but, this is the part that scares me the most… the actual events that took place… they just kept snowballing and I knew they were wrong and I knew they should stop, but I couldn’t stop them. It was as if there were two people inside of me – one saying STOP before you end up dead or in prison and the other saying HELL NO….

So… yes, I do need to be good to myself. Hopefully it is all over. Hopefully, I am in control. Wait, wait… I was in control. I just decided to ignore it. Hopefully I am taking control back over. Unfortuntately, I’m not sure what’s left for me to mess up. I mean… yeah, I could still get in there and be stupid… but I think I “made my point”.

I’m completely exhausted and horribly embarassed. But, part of me is still playing the lie…

I’ve decided that maybe I’ll try throwing it all in a burlap bag and tie it up and throw it off in a corner of my head somewhere and let it go… it can move around all it wants in there and not get out to bother me while I try to get on with things. My version of The Happiness Trap’s ,  “Story”.

I just need to get on with things… yeah, just need to get on with things.

I can’t even say I’m sorry to him because of how I did things… the lies I told and my pride won’t even let me… UGH. Seriously pathetic.

Tie it up, Jami…. get on with it. Tie it up and throw it off into the corner and move on…

Jesus… move on.

Ok. Over and out.

I’m so tired…………..

 

 

 

12 thoughts on “when the dust settled… this is what I realized

  1. Girl I can tell you are tired, and I get your blog in email..have I missed “the story”..is there a link to a blog I missed with the background cuz I never really knew the story..but it really doesn’t matter in the long run. I am anger…and I totally get what you just wrote..your whole blog, you. sometimes I think things this big, relationships…cycles..they take time. I think you have the right way going…I am sorry you are hurting..-Alex

    1. I had an amazing reply and my damn school blocked it. I’m not sure that, as I look back, I have even told the story. It’s so stupid and has gone on for so long… Plus, I read minds (exceptionally well I might add) and expect everyone else to read mine. I think maybe I will try to link back to it and let you know if I do… If not, it may be a post that I need to write …. I have just the song. Miss you my dear Alex! So so much!

  2. I have lived this … the humiliation of what you have done (but it felt so justified at the time) .. the desire to take revenge or inflict pain on someone just because they don’t want you anymore … if guns were legal here I am pretty sure I would have shot every single man who walked out of my life .. in the back, without blinking, and it would have seemed so justified at the time (still does in some cases).

    Sometimes I think we do crazy shit to make sure that we sever ALL ties and make sure they won’t come back .. in some fucked-up way, it’s self preservation.

  3. Plus .. I always think — if you can’t handle my crazy then this is never gonna work anyway .. because, I can’t swallow it down forever, it’s gonna come out .. so .. it’s also a test .. which 99% of people/med fail.

    I have just had a lover leave as well .. I told him never to contact me again last week .. and even though he tried to call twice after I sent that message, I am still pissed at him for not trying even-though-i -told-him-not-to … **sigh** .. fuck ’em m’dear.

    1. Yeah…. I know exactly what that is like also. I really need him to stay gone tho. I thinknhe will. I did an unfortunate amount of damage – in my eyes – this time and so I think its a done deal.

  4. This right here says so much: “I always wondered how a person could enjoy mania??? I think I’m starting to understand it. There’s this sick thrill to it.”

    Exactly. Mania is like an addiction. You’re addicted to the high, and you don’t want that high to ever stop. You want to ride that high wherever it leads you, even if it means destroying everything in your path. But it’s also exhausting to keep that mania going. After my last manic episode, I was seriously underweight and going through a debilitating nervous breakdown. There’s no way I’m letting that happen again, even if that means never experiencing those highs again.

    It’s okay to be crazy and fucked up. It’s not okay to allow crazy and fucked up make decisions for you. Make sense?

    1. It absolutely makes sense! Thank you for the response. I’m not completely sure I’m out of it yet. Just looked at my phone and saw something that triggered me…… had to walk away….. Like I said, my mania surrounds itself around anger, but I don’t think it matters how it manifests itself. The ride is the ride. There are so many other emotions also… So fucked up!

      Thank you so much for sharing!

  5. Pingback: Missing Peace

  6. I understand thoroughly your position. Much of what you said is spot on and very relevant. Being sick and becoming well is, luckily for you and I, a choice. But we both have sharp brains in our head that want to cut through the bullshit ninny aspects of both states of being in order to maintain control, and or have a fun ride on both sides of the fence. Control is an ever so misguided illusion. Surrender and acceptance are the keys. Thanks for your appreciation of my blog. Have a good day, and I know what exhaustion can feel like.

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