It hit me yesterday, now that the dust has settled, that I have destoryed this guy’s happiness. I did it hiding behind my demons. In all truthfullness, I WAS in full demonic, bipolar, borderline-bullshit swing and had lost complete control, but I really screwed this guy’s life up for no other reason than I was pissed that he didn’t want me. I was angry. And, I lost it. I let the battle take over and I went in a very heavy hitter. And, I made damn sure he lost.
By now, if you’ve been reading, you’ve heard the story. No need to rehash it.
I know. I should be kind to myself. I know. I should.
I should continue back on my road to happiness… or ordinary living… I like “oridinary”. I read it in a blog once and it made so much more sense to me than “normal”.
I should let go and move forward…
Ugh…. I’m just stuck. Just so fucking stuck. Maybe I want to be. Maybe I don’t want to be over him still. Maybe I want to continue to beat myself up because I’m used to suffering and that’s what this is about. Maybe it’s comfortable. Maybe it’s too much trouble to get better. Maybe……. fear. Maybe………… I just don’t know.
Maayyybbbeee…. I like being crazy and fucked up.. Mayybee my anger is my mania and it felt good?
My diagnosis is Bipolar II. I don’t usually get to hung up on diagnoses, but I do know that the mania episodes are different and I have been told that my mania presents itself differently – ie; as anger. I always wondered how a person could enjoy mania??? I think I’m starting to understand it. There’s this sick thrill to it.
Not that I enjoy this outcome. Not that I want him unhappy. Not that I am AT ALL proud of my behavior. BECAUSE THAT ISN’T EVEN CLOSE… but, this is the part that scares me the most… the actual events that took place… they just kept snowballing and I knew they were wrong and I knew they should stop, but I couldn’t stop them. It was as if there were two people inside of me – one saying STOP before you end up dead or in prison and the other saying HELL NO….
So… yes, I do need to be good to myself. Hopefully it is all over. Hopefully, I am in control. Wait, wait… I was in control. I just decided to ignore it. Hopefully I am taking control back over. Unfortuntately, I’m not sure what’s left for me to mess up. I mean… yeah, I could still get in there and be stupid… but I think I “made my point”.
I’m completely exhausted and horribly embarassed. But, part of me is still playing the lie…
I’ve decided that maybe I’ll try throwing it all in a burlap bag and tie it up and throw it off in a corner of my head somewhere and let it go… it can move around all it wants in there and not get out to bother me while I try to get on with things. My version of The Happiness Trap’s , “Story”.
I just need to get on with things… yeah, just need to get on with things.
I can’t even say I’m sorry to him because of how I did things… the lies I told and my pride won’t even let me… UGH. Seriously pathetic.
Tie it up, Jami…. get on with it. Tie it up and throw it off into the corner and move on…
Jesus… move on.
Ok. Over and out.
I’m so tired…………..