I’m in a dangerous Non-Crisis! No joke!

brave princess

There was a Facebook quiz once, you know those quizzes and someone did one and somehow I ended up being the princess from Brave. I am FAR from a princess. And, I can count on my left hand how many Disney movies I’ve seen in my lifetime, but I have seen Brave and I must agree. If I were a princess, it would be this one. Little Princess What’s Her Name (I obviously watched it closely).

I loved the song before I even saw the movie. This morning I thought about posting the video because I was going to talk about being brave and so I watched it! HILARIOUS! You’ve GOT to see the dudes dancing! So, don’t skip the video… It will make your day! Or help it along at least.

I’m in the middle of a NON-crisis right now. 

Yep, non-crisis. In my world that is worse than a crisis. Bad things develop out of non-crisis situations in my life. So, I am back to reading The Happiness Trap. Currently I am reading through Chapter 25 – Values and Goals. I am working on taking 10 deep breaths – consecutively. And if any of you (ha – most of you) have had bad experiences with meditation or “quiet time” you know how fucking difficult 10 consecutive deep breaths can be. And, I’m trying to come up with 5 (different) things to be grateful for every day. Just the deep breaths alone can lead to crisis for me! Holy bejesus! On top of some trauma issues, I am hugely ADHD… non-medicated (hate the side-effects). Those deep breaths are a treat for me!!!

It was Tuesday that I was given these assignments and I have only thought about doing them. I actually read a few sentences out of the chapter. Technically I’m supposed to get to Chapter 26. Why do you think it’s so hard to do gratefulness lists? eh… I already I know the therapeutic answer to that. But seriously. Good shit happens to me all day. I know that. I can get 5 things out of it. I am a lucky son-of-a-bitch. I am around struggling teenagers in an inner-city school all day long…. ehhhhh. I can and am Brave on a daily basis! Not to toot my own horn…. but I am.

There isn’t much to this entry today. Truth is, I’m doing pretty good. I’m just stubborn. I’m a little on the freaked out side that there isn’t anything crisis-oriented going on in my life at the moment. Because the crazy in me will soon create it… unless I can hold onto this long enough to see that it’s not so bad. This less than exciting life.

My therapist said to me the other day that I just need to sit with whatever it is that I haven’t wanted to sit with for 48 years … [This is where Princess Buttercup – Brave Child needs to step in… ] honestly we looked at it and I have pretty much been living in crisis non-stop my whole life… I’m serious. No freakin joke. “You can stop running now, Jami“, he said. So, I’m coming out of the fog and waiting for “something” to hit me. What is it that I’ve been running from. Hmmmm… I’m not sure. It’s a little anxiety provoking, however… Calm before the storm… Hell, maybe it’s nothing. Maybe I’ve been running from nothing all of these years…

That would really suck, wouldn’t it?

Ok… So, I’m preparing for a battle that I’m trying to stay out of… Fuck! uhuhuhuhuhuhuh!!!!

Shit! Over and out for now!

Personal Bill of Rights

1. I have a right to ask for what I want.
2. I have a right to say no to requests or demands that I cannot meet.
3. I have a right to express all of my feelings – positive and negative.
4. I have a right to change my mind.
5. I have a right to make mistakes and do not have to be perfect.
6. I have a right to follow my own values and beliefs.
7. I have the right to say no to anything if I feel that I am not ready, if it is unsafe, or if it conflicts with my values.
8. I have the right to determine my own priorities.
9. I have the right not to be responsible for the actions, feelings, or behavior of others.
10. I have the right to expect honesty from others.
11. I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
12. I have the right to be myself. To be unique.
13. I have the right to express fear.
14. I have the right to say, “I don’t know.”
15. I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.
16. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
17. I have the right to my own personal space and time.
18. I have the right to be playful.
19. I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
20. I have the right to feel safe, and be in a nonabusive environment.
21. I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
22. I have the right to change and grow.
23. I have the right to have my wants and needs respected by others.
24. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respected.
25. I have the right to be happy.

My therapist gave this list to me during my last visit. I would cite them except I don’t know where they came from exactly. I am still learning to like them myself. I thought I should share them tho…….

Over and out.

 

 

 

 

 

Courage Up

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Ain’t it the truth…

Problem is my tears belong to so much pain inside my soul that I can’t stand to feel it… I can’t sit with it long enough to get to the cleasning part. Every time I give into the anger and I hurt people.

Oh, there’s the “every time”. The extreme. The hot. The cold. The black. The white. No, I probably don’t do it every time. But, when push comes to shove (and sometimes quite literally) I can’t hold on to the pain long enough to let my tears cleanse my heart.

Honestly, I wish I could. I bet it’s an amazing feeling. Not because the Pope said so… I actually liked that Pope. I actually like the present Pope. I’m not going there. I don’t talk religion. Ever.  I just hold onto the belief that I’m not suppose to be in this much pain… I’m not sure why. I just do.

People talk about giving up. About attempting suicide… not once has that crossed my mind. I don’t know how that is. I have just been lucky in life that I’m not afflicted with that part of the disease. I am very grateful for that! A demon I don’t have to fight.  At the same time, I am stuck here day in and day out in the emotional pain knowing that I am probably going to get stuck again… and yet again…

So, if maybe this time I could just let myself go long enough with the pain… feel it… cry about it long enough… let my heart ……

Let my heart? What? I don’t even know…. just get fucking better this time???

* shrug *

We’ll see.  It’s not about a guy… it’s about a loss… about a mistake… about a choice… or just about a road I chose or didn’t.  Screw it….

Its about sadness…. I need to feel it long enough to get through it that’s all. I need to “courage up” and feel the pain and not cause any for anyone else instead.

That’s it… I tell my students to “courage up” and not quit on themselves all the time. My turn I guess.

Over and out.

Fighting Control

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Feeling smart this morning because that’s a Socrates quote….

I was talking with a “friend” – oh, I laugh as I use that term, but as I was talking to him I was freaking out because I was describing a situation that I was angry about. Another “friend” had basically done – in my opinion –  a very serious back-stabbing job on me (yesh, the childishness). She had talked to a not-so- friend and basically I realized at that very moment that what I was most angry about was that I was not there to CONTROL that conversation. That is the part that was pissing me off the most.

Ohhhh.. the sticky, gooeyness of childishness that just ooozed from that paragraph. However, the truthfulness of how horrible it was that I was so angry that I couldn’t control it… I don’t have words to properly describe the level of anger. eeeeeeeeee….

I spent the weekend looking back on my week which nearly took me down. I did miss work – which was a simple goal of mine not to do. Don’t miss work over emotional issues. I’m borderline… emotions rip me to shreds… what can I say. But, I digress. As I looked back over it, I just kept swirling around this control issue… Mostly, letting go of control of things that already happened… trying to somehow fix them???? Wanting to lash out…. STILL….

Well, Ms. Jamilouise, trying to somehow “fix” shit you can’t is called trying to control it… I gander to say… it’s what gets you into all the ugly places you end up… I think the unfortunate truth is that you are gonna have to sit through it all, baby doll,  and feel it all… Gee, I haven’t heard that one before… I hate that shit!

Yesterday I posted a video of Brene Brown talking a bit about shame. I think I’m going to continue to work with that… might help me back off the Control-Train…. I hope, I hope. As doubtful as I believe it possible. I need to get off the battlefield and back to my life.

Who fucking knows…… ok, Over and out.

Gremlin Thinking…. oh gotta love the Shame!

Shame depends on me buying into the belief that I am alone. Brene Brown

I have been telling my story a lot lately… wondering how honest I have been about it. Thank God for the therapist because I am so ashamed of myself and I can trust to tell him the truth of what I have been doing… I have been here a lot. I have been telling bits and pieces.. not that I haven’t been honest, because I have. I just haven’t gone into great detail because it’s so childish and … well, pretty shameful.

So I talked to my sister for the first time in quite awhile today and she directed me to a TEDtalk. This woman, Brene Brown, you see in the Oprah video (there is a little squiggle over one of her letters in her first name… not a techie, sorry Ms. Brown). It was a talk about vulnerability. That talk led to a talk about shame… and that talk led to me thinking HOLY CRAP I THINK THAT’S IT…..

I’m not angry. (maybe a little)
I’m not avoiding responsibility. (maybe a little)
I’m not hurt. (ok, a lot)
I don’t feel guilty. (uh, yeah, a little)

I’m suffering from soooo much shame. Not just over this last episode, but over so fucking much! I am talking so much SHAME that it outweighs those other things so much that they don’t even exist… (maybe the broken-heart…ok, the anger… definitely not the responsibility part tho).

But seriously. I’m serious! HOLY SHIT! I heard this woman just say the word SHAME and the heavens opened. I’m not saying I had a religious experience and I am healed. I’m just saying that I think I know where I need to go…. it’s not about happiness. It’s not about anger. It’s not about love or any of those things. I need to deal with “THE” shame.

Get the picture yet? It clicked….

eh, for today anyway…. it’s my new thing… or my thing to help me back to the battlefield. Or, wait, AWAY from the battlefield. That’s what I’m striving for. I want to get back to where I was before my life blew up again. Ok, ok, for responsibility sake… before I blew up my world again…. Jesus, I hate therapists who are actually good!

I need a title

The pain is back this morning as I expect it will be for awhile.. off and on. It’s mixed with anger and disgust and the bullshit responsibility that I am suppose to be taking for all of it… all of the fucked up actions that I should be taking responsibility for in all of this. And THAT only conveniently ADDS to the anger. Thank you Mr. Therapy-Man. Good thing I love that man (in a purely “get me better” manner).

Did I mention frustration up there in all of that? Clearly I am in the midst of the battlefield that I worked so hard last summer to stay out of. And, clearly, at this point I don’t care. Not a fucking bit! I will roll around and wrestle with the damn Orcs all day today if I choose. It’s a relatively beautiful day out to waste. What the heck.

Responsibility. That word shut my therapy session down for a cool 25 minutes the other day. NOT A WORD WAS SPOKEN. I’m not one for NOT talking. I usually have a lot to say.

Always interesting to me when a therapist suggests that we don’t take responsibility for our actions. (side note: I hate taking responsibility so much that I had to spell check all 3 times that I typed it.)

Why no, Therapy-man, I enjoyed showing my ass to the entire world like that. It wasn’t embarrassing at all to wake up the next day or come out of that episode looking around at all of the destruction I caused… It was enjoyable finding out that I survived a hospital visit – or better yet….that  I didn’t end up in jail! Hell no, that wasn’t a bother at all and I’m not taking a damn bit of responsibility for it! You’re right!!!

Ok… now that I got that out…. I actually did sorta go down that road with him, but… yeah. It’s sorta like putting the cart before the horse or the chicken and the egg issue here for me. It’s not like I wake up and decide that I’m going to go crazy… it’s a progression. I take my meds. Have always taken my medicine. I’m bipolar. I take bipolar medication. HOWEVER… the issues that cause the problems are the PTSD and the borderline disorders…. when it all boils down to it… they hide and I think I’ve got a great hold on ’em and then OMG out of nowhere………………….. WHAM!

Crash and burn, crash and burn and I’m in the office having the responsibility talk like I’m a 12 year old. In all fairness, I’d say more like 16 because that’s about the way I was/have been and still feel as though I could be acting.

Then… we start talking and I start getting defensive and hell if we can’t get anywhere with it… Just makes me look even more like an irresponsible ass.

Back to the cart before the horse issue. Of course I take responsibility for my actions. I have feelings or feel for people that don’t even have feelings for themselves. I know that sounds insane (um, consider the source). I cannot stand to be around people who are hurting. It destroys me. So… I feel it for them. I don’t have a clue where that comes from, but I have ended up in 3 very destructive marriages and just finished up with a relationship that lasted way too long and nearly destroyed a very healthy one because of it… DON’T FEEL BAD PEOPLE… because I will find you and I will try to fix you… God wired me that way… which is why I am always having a toddler fit with God. But, that’s an entirely different post that I don’t have nerve to write.

So…. am I off topic again? Is anyone still reading? Not that it matters. I do this for me anyway….. I just don’t know. I know I fight responsibility. But, I also know that I am aware that I tear people up and spit them out when I am in full-blown Destructo-mode. I don’t mean to… it is as far away from who I am that I know…. it just happens. But, I do take full responsibility. Unfortunately, it’s usually too late.

Gah….. these diseases just double-fuck us. We don’t want to let people in because they leave when we do… or we destroy them and they have no choice….. I worked SO HARD… Harder then I have ever cared to work before in my life… last summer. I really thought I’d gotten somewhere. And, in all honesty, I did get somewhere. Once I am over the anger and frustration and … yes… heartbreak… I’ll get back to it…

Excuse me, for now… I’m going out to fight some Orcs.

Over and out.

Paisley The Protector

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This is my protector. She is the one I trust. Today… the only one. Back in my blue Adirondack chair today as I took the day off from teaching.  I may be taking the day off from everything. And since it is Friday and my boyfriend is away for the weekend at yet another fishing tournament, I may be taking the whole damn weekend off from it all. 

I don’t trust people to such a degree that I end up trusting everyone with everything.  I know that doesn’t make a lick of sense. I’m complicated. If you spent sometime in my space you’d probably understand. However, after this past week, I have no space for anyone. Except, Paisley the Protector. 

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Still watching out…..

I don’t make friends easily… and in all fairness it’s hard being my friend. On my side of it, it isn’t easy because I don’t trust them (I know a contradiction right off the bat – just bare with me)  because I know they cannot handle my intensity when I’m struggling. I warn them that I am too much,  but they don’t understand. Well, I used to warn them but they all bailed and so I just gave up.

But, I was tricked… ok, not tricked. I just thought I was actually having a big girl friendship. I was wrong and it all went to hell. It was all very deceiving and manipulative.  I could see if she felt I was in a space and she needed to contact my therapist – because she did that and it was ok (sort of) but there was so much other backdoor stuff behind it that I still can’t even wrap my mind around it. Even my therpist can’t at the moment.

Borderline people are difficult.  I try not to ride that pony as an excuse. I hate it… when it gets away from me it gets away. I will do everything I can to not take responsibility for it, I know that- I think a lot of us do (crappy ass excuse, I know) BUT, I have never ignored it. I have never hidden it from people or friends – if I’ve bothered to have them. I constantly check in with them and tell them that I’m in a bad space and I know I’m difficult. They should step back or out. DO NOT TELL ME THAT YOU CAN HANDLE IT AND THEN PULL THE RUG OUT FROM UNDER ME OUT OF NOWHERE… ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ARE 2 YEARS IN.. oh, just forget it.  There is no especially,  I guess.

Really, what does it matter… I am so disillusioned by relationships in general. I don’t understand them. I am horrible myself in them. Horrible, with a capital H. I’ve just never expected anything from myself because I’ve always known that I am flawed… that there is something really wrong with my perspective on life.  SHITTY, I know. I know. I know. Not fair to expect more from others….

Or, maybe it’s that I have been constantly let down by relationships.  I don’t want to give up on anyone though because it is not in my nature to give up… or trust me I would have by now. But at this point…

I am exhausted. I have a feeling I am talking in a giant cirle. Whatever I suppose.

I will just move along…. Paisley will be here.

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Securing the perimeter…

I am angry to the Nth degree at the moment.  My borderline… PTSD and I suppose bipolar are in full swing. Although, I’m leaning towards the mood disorders taking control.  It’s an anger that xanax really can’t help and so taking it for anything other than helping sleep seems wasteful. I’m going to try to take care of myself this weekend. At least we are supposed to have nice weather.  I’ll take my protector on some adventures maybe.  If I can get out of the Lego house. 

…… over and out….