Fear is a Prison

I’m afraid of everything. I’m afraid of fear itself. I have been through so many emotions in the last two weeks… but, of all of them, fear has twisted me up and raped me of nearly all abilty to function. 

I have lived my entire life in fear. At a very young age I learned that it was necessary to find distractions to shove in my brain to keep it busy… that way the devil wouldn’t get me.  They weren’t always bad distractions.  When you are young you can stay pretty active during the day. Night time was hell though. Complete hell in full-out glory. 

I just let go of my latest distraction. The battle I fought… the disgusting shit I allowed myself to stoop to before finally giving up… the monster I became… are all evidence of the fact, I think, that I was scared – almost literally to death – of what life would be like without that distraction.  

And now here I am on the other side of the fight – breathing heavily…

I don’t know where it came from. Or, what I’m afraid of. But, it’s deadly. I may never know. Could I have just been born with it? Does it even matter where it came from? Does it need a home?

I know it’s open season on my brain right now though. I’m doing my best to handle it with care. But fear is fear and the memories are starting to resurface as the fog settles from the disaster of the last few weeks. No one wants to live in the past, but when the past lives in you, what are you suppose to do? Especially when that past doesn’t make any sense?

Then there’s tomorrow? And the day after. .. makes ya wanna start shoving in something to just make it all stop before it even starts.

Just kinda…

Ok, over and out.

6 thoughts on “Fear is a Prison

  1. Just my opinion, but I think it matters. You can’t fight your enemy if you don’t know what enemy you are fighting. Everyone has a past…but for some of us, it is in us…you will get there though….mad love sista -Alex

    1. I think it’s very important! For the life of me (quite obviously) I don’t know what the problem is… It has been there for as long as I can, want to and am willing and able to remember. It’s very twisted. :/. Mad love back!

      1. I have lived my entire life in fear… Night time was hell though..I don’t know where it came from. Or, what I’m afraid of. But, it’s deadly….No one wants to live in the past, but when the past lives in you, what are you suppose to do? Especially when that past doesn’t make any sense?

        Well, maybe it’s just me, but those are your words right there. I might start with those, and try untwisting with your therapist. No one is born with fear. Mad love back.

  2. I can relate, jamilouise. I too have carried fear since childhood. I did some work with a therapist and the nightmares finally stopped. I still have weird dreams though. I hope you can get to the root of it with your therapist. Thanks for your honesty.

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