Seconds in Forever

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For just one second I wanted to drive my 1999 white toyota solara into the big oak tree on the corner… that second lasted forever as I realized a thousand things … most of which ….

Man, that would hurt! And, I would screw up and kill myself… I don’t want to die. Just hurt….

I realized that if for some reason I did die – which, again, was never the intention – my 80 year old parents would be heartbroken. They have been to hell and back with me.

I also realized that I was actually, quite insanely,  attempting to self-injure with a multi-ton vehicle… the insanity of that!

I realized that while, yes, I was trying to release the fucking build up of pain and sickness and vomit and blood and tears and everything screaming to get out, this time was different. I was doing it out “there” because he’s a cop and on duty and he’d get the call and he’d hear it.  Woohoo… can you say “fruit loop?”

That’s when it hit me… as the tears were falling faster than the rain itself…. he as been my self injury.  He’s why I haven’t picked up those razors in over 2 years. He is the razor. Don’t ask me how this all came together in this grand aha moment.  It just did. One of those things that you just know…

………. and so I drove the rest of the way home in my 1999 white toyota solara. All in one piece.

Now I have to deal with this…

Over and out.

6 thoughts on “Seconds in Forever

  1. I always found men (partners)/ relationships/ sex to be the most satisfactory, highest return, form to the need for self-injury or as I call it..constant addiction. The need to stop the pain. They gratify the longest, they allow for the deepest level of whatever it is you need, you can twist them however it is you want. They are the most addictive. All others are a quicker fix. This is a catch 22. They are also the toughest to break. And when you lose the current, you are lost looking for the quick fixes until you find another suitable addiction matching the one you lost…or tougher yet, break the cycle. So sorry, you are in so much pain. So glad you drove home, knowing that you are only looking for that fix. Much love.-Alex

    1. Thank you… I’m still working on why I actually did drive home. I think I’m just weak… which is ironic as hell, because I know it’s strength that got me home. He has meant so much to me in my sickness. I still have no idea. I do know that he is definitely gone. What a HUGE fucking gap. So now I need to break the cycle because I can’t handle replacing it and having to go through something like this again. I think it would kill me.

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