For just one second I wanted to drive my 1999 white toyota solara into the big oak tree on the corner… that second lasted forever as I realized a thousand things … most of which ….
Man, that would hurt! And, I would screw up and kill myself… I don’t want to die. Just hurt….
I realized that if for some reason I did die – which, again, was never the intention – my 80 year old parents would be heartbroken. They have been to hell and back with me.
I also realized that I was actually, quite insanely, attempting to self-injure with a multi-ton vehicle… the insanity of that!
I realized that while, yes, I was trying to release the fucking build up of pain and sickness and vomit and blood and tears and everything screaming to get out, this time was different. I was doing it out “there” because he’s a cop and on duty and he’d get the call and he’d hear it. Woohoo… can you say “fruit loop?”
That’s when it hit me… as the tears were falling faster than the rain itself…. he as been my self injury. He’s why I haven’t picked up those razors in over 2 years. He is the razor. Don’t ask me how this all came together in this grand aha moment. It just did. One of those things that you just know…
………. and so I drove the rest of the way home in my 1999 white toyota solara. All in one piece.
Now I have to deal with this…
Over and out.