I looked up salvation… Since I’m currently having what might be considered a toddler “fit” with God, I avoided the theological definitions. Nice how we can do whatever we want with words… I should actually change the name of my blog from Missing Peace to Word Whore…. way more fitting.
– preservation or deliverance from harm, ruin, or loss.
-a source or means of being saved from harm, ruin, or loss.
I want to know if we search for salvation or live it everyday?
Hang on folks, this could be a really weird post! I’m am simply trying to avoid the battlefield today and this is what I’ve got going for me…. journaling, laundry, mowing and the bassethound. It’s raining. Mowing is out. The laundry is going. The bassethound is down for the count and so.. here I am journaling. And, I ask… how many – show of hands please- want another tear-filled entry about the jackass who broke my heart even though he had no business with my heart to begin with? Anyone? EXACTLY! And, selfishly, I can’t go there today anyway because I still haven’t caught my breath from Thursday and I might just end up drowning due to the lack of oxygen – which I understand makes ZERO sense. None of this makes sense to begin with, however… so, IT COULD HAPPEN. Welcome to my world!
Now! Back to salvation. Saw a little white butterfly yesterday, which is suppose to be my connection to my higher power… told the poor little thing to fuck off… SMH (according to my high schoolers, that means “shaking my head”). I think I need to really work on this salvation idea. That, and my therapist should NEVER take another vacation.
Ok, that’s probably it…
school started and fuck if my therapist decides that he’s going on vacation and jackass decides he’s not going to see me anymore. No, stop the excuses. I’m looking for someone to save me because I’ve been saving people all of my life. Calling BULLSHIT on that one, Jami.
Fuck this. I’m not going to get away from feeling like shit today. I’m going to still drown in my inability to breath. I know, I know… it’s called asphyxiation. But, I’m drowning. I promise you. I’m downing. I’m still having to hide it from the one who actually cares about me.
And, here ya go!!! The SALVATION of it all is… that he does love me and now that the other one is gone… I can start to feel that. The caring… and, although I can’t breath from the inside/out, I can feel him – the right one – breathing life into me. Why so hateful right now? Or hurtful… I don’t know which one it is. Probably hurtful and wishing I could just stay hateful because that feels more appropriate and comfortable.
Everyone is so supportive right now. Thank you, truly, thank you for that. I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I know that the major part of this issue is that I am one VERY messed up bipolar chick. Alot of the behavior that I took part in is due to that… but the fucked up part of it is that there is that part of your brain that sits there in this little capsule protected… regardless how sick the rest of you is…. regardless of the where you sit on the messed up mental health spectrum at the time and it KNnnOooWS that you are f.u.c.k.i.n.g. up! At least for me. I have had delusions. I have been psychotic… had breaks. I can remember almost everything… and the whole time there was that little, bitty piece TAUNTING me… hmph… little bitch. It won’t let me forgive myself for ANYTHING. It also doesn’t forget a DAMN THING.
OMG. I need my therapist back in a bad way. Thanks for letting me rant. Dryer is done. Sun is out. Mowing to commence.
Over and out.