the taste of xanax…

… i wonder, does anyone enjoy the taste of xanax as it disolves under your tongue? I suppose I should have put one of those trigger alerts up there. Please understand that I respect those…. the trigger alerts. I just think they draw people to the post like “white on rice” anyway and this is my journal. I do take a bit of responsibility knowing that I am putting it out there for others to see. So… I don’t know.

ahhhh…….. i’m just going to bumble and bramble and ramble my way through this right now anyway because that is what I have to do. I’m at work and I’m going to need to get through 4 more class periods without losing it. Yesterday I forgot to go to my homeroom. My students were in my class for 25 mins without me while I was worried about losing my beautiful distraction – knowing I’d lost him… all gone. all gone. fucking all gone. I should have been celebrating. I SHOULD BE CELEBRATING right now!

Instead I am tasting the last bit of xanax as it disolves under my tongue so that it works quickly enough that I don’t lose it for the next batch of young, mushy brained adolescents… I AM SO NOT IN THE MOOD FOR THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW! WAIT, WAIT!!!  I’m in the mood for teaching. I AM! I want that. I just don’t know how to keep it together for them. Hopefully the xanax can do that.

Meanwhile, I am trying desparately to stay away from my email account and the battlefield <– for more info… yes, the battlefield. The smelly Orcs. No offense to my Orc loving friends, but in my world they fuck. me. up! Little bitches! Little bitches all over in my brain right now… in my world.

I had a great arguement with my maker… let’s refer to him as God… this morning. I have some nice words that would be more than a little offensive to share…. I’m giving up on more than one level with that relationship right now. I just quit… Imagine hammer and nail sounds right now, if you will…. I’m building a wall… Hell, just imagine an all out construction zone!!! Screw it.

Ok.. I promised rambling. You got it. I think the xanax kicked in. Lord (yes, the one I just gave up on), I hope so becasue the bell is about to ring and twenty-five 14 years who, I’m convinced, hate me are about to come in here and ask where I was yesterday in very shitty tones. I am NOT prepared for this at all. But hey, I have a pep rally to look forward to this afternoon… oh boy, I can’t contain myself and therapeutically, I can’t take much more xanax today………..

I’m FUCKED.

Over and Out.

14 thoughts on “the taste of xanax…

  1. I can’t answer your main question. I preferred the swallowing kind…and way too many…xanax, my choice of pills for sure. As so for men, choice of self-injury, we do have to stop having things in common..then just *partners* as a choice, or just plain old sex, but relationships draw out the sting. I so understand your feelings, the way you write is so part of that. Hope you read your blog from start to finish when you feel better. Yes, you needed a break. Ohh, how I know how you feel…and I hear you. Listening, reading, always here.

    1. …… i read your comment and then just keep hitting the period key because…. yep, we do have to stop having things in common. lol. not in a weird way – yeah, you knew that. hmm. i have the swallowing kind, but i have learned that if i let it dissolve it works quicker. i’ve also learned that the taste triggers something… i started reading my blog again and had to stop suddenly. Couldn’t breath… I will get back to it very soon. You are very special, girl! Thank you.

      1. Well….I want you breathing, so def wait on that then! But there is my sista! Just waiting on your cue..sometimes people need a distance when they are goin thru stuff..sometimes they just need to know someone hears them..always let me know which it is for you….but I am always here, either way.

  2. most of us have been that crazy chick…it’s all part of it for us…blowing up his email is fine if that is what calms ya down or does it for ya at this moment..take it in chunks..step by step…you aren’t blowin up his house..look at it that way..and until you have done it like the chick i read about that did it like 200,000 texts and emails and voice mails BESIDES THAT..i think it’s ok…just breathe…ya been here before..but now you are doin other stuff like ..you are still makin it thru teaching..you got your dog..you are blogging…listen to some great music…hot shower or bath..it is step by step..cold turkey is hard

    1. thank you…. i want to blow up his house. i want to blow up his relationship with his girlfriend but i don’t. it’s like that is this other person in me…. um… i don’t mean that disrespectfully, but… i just want him and don’t want him at the same time. i want to destory him and not at the same time. it is sooo hard. and, he is so good at it.

    2. i just sent an email that he’s probably going to respond to… but i told him if he did i wouldn’t ever bother him. it’s an open and shut case for him. easy out for him. i’m such a child. i’ll be ok. i have my dog 🙂 and, i didn’t end up losing the guy who is actually a good one. that’s the good thing.

      1. chick, why would I take that disrespectfully. Ya gotta stop thinkin you offend me. I love how you accept me. I knew what ya meant. and that is good then. still tryin to think of the perfect song. I notice we both love our songs. Later sista! Count on it…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s