Is it possible to be angry and hateful and grateful all at the same time? Laying, sobbing into my pillow…. Screaming silently so that he doesn’t hear me and ask what the hell is wrong. Because I can’t explain to him that I’ve been crushed again by the other one.
So I literally swallow the sobs and fucked up hyper-vented breathes. Keep the tantrum to myself… And at the same time cheer – in some fucked up way – knowing it is, in fact, the best thing that could happen to me – to us… All of us.
I’m so fucking angry!
I completely surrendered to the war. Is that possible?? I didn’t give in and stop fighting… Hell no! I’ve been in a full blown fight mode for days now. Best effort. Pathetic. All the work I did this summer…. Turned my back on it. Completely walked away.
I keep choking on my breathe right now. It feels surprisingly good. How fucked up is that? So much hate and sadness. So much fear and aloneness. Did I mention the anger?
But it’s over now for sure. See I conjured up a lie … In all my best fucked up bipolar glory that I knew I couldn’t pull off. One that I knew for sure would fuck things up for good. He’d have no choice but to walk away from. And then I just rolled with it. Old behavior. Haven’t pulled that trick out since the late 80’s in college when I needed it for protection from the bad guys. There is no going back now. No coming back either.
I am so empty right now…. Left with very little faith in myself or mankind. My basset hound is laying here by my side… I believe in her. She’s faithful.
Over and out.