Anger, hatefulness and gratefulness

Is it possible to be angry and hateful and grateful all at the same time? Laying, sobbing into my pillow…. Screaming silently so that he doesn’t hear me and ask what the hell is wrong. Because I can’t explain to him that I’ve been crushed again by the other one.

So I literally swallow the sobs and fucked up hyper-vented breathes. Keep the tantrum to myself… And at the same time cheer – in some fucked up way – knowing it is, in fact, the best thing that could happen to me – to us… All of us.

I’m so fucking angry!

I completely surrendered to the war. Is that possible?? I didn’t give in and stop fighting… Hell no! I’ve been in a full blown fight mode for days now. Best effort. Pathetic. All the work I did this summer…. Turned my back on it. Completely walked away.

I keep choking on my breathe right now. It feels surprisingly good. How fucked up is that? So much hate and sadness. So much fear and aloneness. Did I mention the anger?

But it’s over now for sure. See I conjured up a lie … In all my best fucked up bipolar glory that I knew I couldn’t pull off. One that I knew for sure would fuck things up for good. He’d have no choice but to walk away from. And then I just rolled with it. Old behavior. Haven’t pulled that trick out since the late 80’s in college when I needed it for protection from the bad guys. There is no going back now. No coming back either.

I am so empty right now…. Left with very little faith in myself or mankind. My basset hound is laying here by my side… I believe in her. She’s faithful.

Over and out.

17 thoughts on “Anger, hatefulness and gratefulness

  1. I hear ya, sometimes I wish I could just focus on one emotion at a time. I’ve been there so many times- losing faith in all humanity. The anger, hatred, jealousy, etc. It helps to remember the people that you know who are good. Hopefully better days are on the way

  2. I don’t know all the ins and outs of your situation, but it sounds like you felt that you had to protect yourself from further emotional upheaval. I know that feeling. I’ve burned some bridges. Burned ’em right down to the fucking ground. And it hurt like hell to do it, but I had to. For my own sanity I had to.

    You are not alone. You are not weak. It’s like you said, sometimes you just gotta roll with it.

    1. Yeah… I guess thats what was going on.. ive been living that situation separate from who I am for a long time now and I couldnt do it. Not that I was at all proud of it or agreeable to it. It was just what was. But as I was working on myself they were coming together and obviously it wasnt acceptable. I just couldnt walk away from it… so I made sure he did this time… im a dirtbag…id blame it on my disease and most professionals would back that up in a heart beat but bottomline is…. I’m the dirtbag. Ill be better now….

  3. Battles, wars, protection, emptiness…you fight a war against an opponent that is strong but not all conquering. Just very strong, that wearies it’s opponents with highs and lows and moods and self-destruction. It counts on that. Even the best pro boxers go to the corner of the ring between matches. You say you are a word whore, but you choose the words. Read your blog. I just did. That is you. See yourself, the way others do, it is honest, brave, beautiful, shows a fighter. Even fighters break sometimes, but get back up. Need rest sometimes when they are weary. Fuck up sometimes, everyone does. Storms rage and then are quiet. Battles are lost but not the war. Emptiness is filled again. Always here.

    1. I am so tired…. so, so tired right now. I needed to lose this battle actually. You are so right, my friend. So right. I just didnt want to let go. I hate letting go. Thank you so much.

  4. Discomfort, even temporary, is better than the fear involved with change to most of us. You have had to survive a battle within yourself. It was time to accept discomfort and make the transition. I actually think you won. You just don’t know it yet.

    1. I am sure you are right. I know I won. I just don’t think I wanted to win. Or, I wasn’t ready to win. It wasn’t the result I wanted I guess… Is it true, ever, that winning isn’t always fun?

      1. yep. in this case winning meant you “won” something you needed for you. It means work though, and that kinda takes the “happy” part of winning out of the picture. Relationships need to begin with the one to yourself. You deserve more. If you take the focus off the relationship with a guy you can then take on the difficult mission of owning and accepting the you. Stop second guessing. Move forward. Look ahead. Think about what you need to take care of you. Today. and Today. And Today there after. You don’t need another being to make you whole. It feels like it, I know what that’s like, trust me. Positive self affirmations, deep breathing exercises, being in the moment. Do it. Hang on. Your positive side needs to get more air time! xoxo

      1. I don’t think that’s sick at all. In fact there is something poetic about being stuck in the doom part. It is part of being fully alive. The sad part would be if you didn’t ever allow yourself to experience the normal and higher reaches.
        I bet you are a really awesome teacher. I bet when you are outside of your head you can reach so many hungry kids. Food for thought…

  5. narcopathcrusher

    You feel good because you are in touch with your feelings. That is something i wasn’t able to do for years and i still struggle at times. It is painful but a sign of strength and progress. I am proud of you!

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