I am grateful…

I admit I went to bed a bit honked off at my boyfriend last night. He was pissy at me because I got all emotional about the loss yesterday in our world. Or, maybe I was pissy at him because he wasn’t emotional. Hmmm. *thinking*

eh, regardless, he didn’t get it. The pain, I mean. The suffering that I thought Mr. Williams had to have been feeling. Ya see, I’m a mind reader (I suck at it, but I won’t give up on it). How could Lee not feel it….. aw, forget it.

I am feeling a bit anxious about this because I may alienate some people here. I’ve included a text and a response between my bf and myself. His response might seem harsh. But, let me say this… if you asked Lee to discuss the situation, he would tell you quite frankly that he doesn’t want to. He won’t talk about it on social media. He has no interest in discussing it. It is what it is for him. I respect that. But, my point really is this….

I woke up this more and I thought “wait a minute… How lucky is he, Jami! He has never felt the pain and anxiety and ugliness… The vomit inducing fear… Because he doesn’t suffer from an illness or an addiction. What a bitch you are for wishing him to want to feel this! For being angry with him because he doesn’t get it!” I texted him and you’ll see the texts below. I’m sorry if his response offends anyone.

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I spend so much time trying to make everyone understand my pain because I think if they do then maybe they’ll get it…. Really? Get what? Get me? Ok? Then what? Does that make me better? Normal?

IDK… I just know that I am happy for him. Not frustrated. He doesn’t suffer from mental illness like I do. What a blessing.

You don’t see my response back to him but I said to him that I need to stop “feeling all of my thoughts”. I think my reaction to HIS reaction to the situation opened my eyes. It is horrible. And, there is a shit-storm of stuff going on around it. But I don’t have to “feel” it to acknowledge it.

I don’t know. I’m sure we are all tired of reading right now.

Over and out!

12 thoughts on “I am grateful…

  1. disconcerted72

    One of the oddities that I have come to accept in life is that there is absolutely no one capable of seeing things with our own eyes…they can only interpret how we explain things to them and then they still see things through their eyes and not ours. Unfortunately, the only person that will ever understand you 100% of the time is you. The only person that can understand me 100% of the time is me. But sometimes, in life, it’s nice to have someone along that may not fully understand but can accept us anyways. That’s what any of us really want, right?

  2. anxiousizzy

    That is so true…we’re always desperately wanting people to understand, but then what? I mean, the only reason it is nice to have people that “understand” is so that they don’t judge you or pity you…but if they truly understand…that means they’re going through exactly what we are…and I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone.

  3. He says he loves you for fighting the fight every day. I like him just fine. 🙂

    I like what you said about not having to feel all of your thoughts. I don’t know why just yet, but it seems to strike a chord for me, so thank you for that.

      1. I know. I’m actually writing about something like that now. Have you checked out http://takingthemaskoff.com/ ? If not, you should. I think you will appreciate his view. He gets it. He really does. For now I will say this: there is nothing wrong with you. You feel, and there is nothing wrong with you. ❤

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