Geess – o – petes

Today is a weird day to write, isn’t it? I mean… I could share my thoughts on suicide, but I have no experience with it personally. I am grateful for that and sad for others who do. Quite seriously, my heart aches for those who do. Yes, I will miss him greatly. I’m sorry. But plenty of people are doing both him and suicide justice today. I’ll leave it be. Really nice piece here (I got the link part down. Why aren’t they blue?) if you are interested.

I was nominated for two awards last week… I want to respond to those, but I sorta feel like maybe today is a shitty day to do it. I will save them… Alex and MsMonsterful, I promise I am so grateful! I will get there very soon! Thank you, again!

Tomorrow I start teaching again…. WooOOooW! I’m a tad out of sorts about that… A little giddy.  A little scared… Nope, NoPe, nope… a LOT scared. Sitting here with my chin in my hand staring out of the window (yes, typing with one hand – smart asses) lol. That sorta “Holy OMG, last year I almost lost my job because of the bipolar shit storm I went through.” scared!

I remember as a little girl I knew there was something “wrong” with me. I thought that everyone knew and no one wanted to tell me so that I would grow up happy. I’m talking from as far back as I can remember – remembering anything. I didn’t realize that the whispering wasn’t about me. It was about their own shitty lives that they were keeping from me… albeit, they WERE trying to keep it from me so that I’d grow up happy… gotta give them some credit there. Thank the lord I never had kids to mess up while trying to do my best NOT to mess them up. hmmmm. My poor parents. In all fairness, the cards were stacked against them anyway.

So, I knew something was wrong. It’s just no one else knew – other than the fact that I was just ONE REALLY STRANGE kid. But, last school year, I realized that I was right. I was fucked up. All that time I thought everything was REALLY FUCKING HARD TO DO… it was *** nodding in complete agreement with myself ***  it was! But, I did it somehow. We all do it. I made it through last year. And, surprisingly, I made it through with some Gosh Darn Dignity! I didn’t recognize it at the time.

just in case you haven’t figured it out yet…. I think this post is turning out to be a pep talk for me to return to school tomorrow… yeah… jus’ thinkin’… so if you decide to it the “back space” and move on… see ya later… thanks for readin’.  Have a beautiful day 🙂

I’m just scared as hell… I have the things in place to do the stuff I need to do to make it. I could set goals for myself, but as soon as I do I may as well toss in the towel because that never works. Goal-setting?? Who really does that stuff? 😦 Seriously, no offense, I’m sure it works for people really well. I  just can’t make lists and goal setting usually consists of list making and …. oh, the anxiety that comes from that for me…. THE PRESSURE! So, I’ll just put one foot in front of the other……

I’m not going to have my morning coffee… my faded-out, blue, plastic Adirondack chair or my pooch at 10:30 am every day. But I was bitchy about how scared I was that I would freak out for the 10 days I had between summer school and regular school anyway. For God’s sake, JamiLouise, are you ever happy? Not really… it’s an issue I’m working on.

I have several…

…… eh, we are working ’em… and with that…. Over and Out, peeps! Love ya! Chins up today! WE MADE IT today and that says a lot about US!

6 thoughts on “Geess – o – petes

  1. I agree, lists suck. Geometry is cool tho 🙂 although I know most students don’t think so. You will do great! (just in case take the AXE, if you feel the need spray it on real good, the best revenge is oh so ummm…sweet) 😉 I’ll be thinkin of you tomorrow, you know where to find me for some pep..love your posts! -Alex

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