I’m having one of those days…. God love him! I wonder what it was like growing up in his head??? Annnnd now mind wondering…. I abruptly stop thinking about Johnny Depp.
Although, suddenly I was having a much brighter moment….. NO Jami….
So, I have thoughts…. Do you thoughts? I have thoughts that go on and on and on and on. uh huh… you get it. Don’t you? Yep. Thought so (no pun intended – I have a limited vocabulary unless we talk math and who wants to do that). My thoughts MESS ME UP! I talked the other day about how I try to tie them up into nice little stories and then just thank my mind for reminding me of them. Then I try to go on about my merry little life. Without judging of course…. right (that’s sarcasm intended there).
This is actually called “defusion”. I spelled it correctly. It’s a term that ACT – Acceptance Commitment Therapy – uses and it’s an amazing idea. We get fused with our thoughts. They no longer just become words. I had to really work with my therapist on the idea. I wish I had the gift of being able to explain it, but I don’t. I’m going to get wordy here in a little bit. I also am not my father the English professor and don’t necessarily cite work correctly. So, the quoted work you see is from “The Happiness Trap” by Russ Harris. I’ll try not to get to crazy with it. There is a reason for it though…
I have been working with my therapist on ACT therapy all spring and summer. Defusion… mindfulness… anything really along the lines of what I’ve been working with isn’t about making our thoughts go away. For 48 years I’ve wished all of this bullshit to go away. Oh, Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’ve known. We all know in our heart of hearts that it’s not going anywhere. I’m sorry if you are still believing it might… AND PLEASE… maybe it will. No one knows ANYTHING for sure…. but, I was tired of banging my head against the wall. I personally couldn’t lie to myself anymore. So, I chose to get on board with something. I hadn’t ever just given in before. I fought. I’m a fighter. I’m still a fighter. Most of us are or we wouldn’t still be here…. am I right?
Here’s the thing I realized the other day. I was ANGRY AS HELL. I posted about it, I think. I’m still angry, but I’ll get to that. I was telling stories and thanking myself for reminding myself and…. shit…. I was workin it…
I didn’t have anything left. I was on that effing battlefield… FULL FRICKIN body armor. I was ready to put the boyfriend out – and hell, I’d just hung out with him the day before and it was a great day! I just couldn’t handle the thoughts in my head. A situation with him that I’d worked completely through with my therapist. I’d made peace with it already. But I was back at it… picking and picking at it. Playing that tape as they use to say. I couldn’t breath. I was physically angry. If that makes sense. Then, I went back to my book. I picked up “The Happiness Trap.” I apologize for the wordiness, but to be honest, this is, after all, my site… my place… Imma gonna get a little selfish here maybeeeee….. I needed this, at that moment….
So what if you’ve defused a thought and it doesn’t leave? Again, defusion isn’t about getting rid of thoughts. It’s about seeing them for what they really are and making peace with them; allowing them to be there without fighting them. Sometimes they will go away with very little fuss, other times they will hang around for quite a while. And sometimes they’ll go away and then come back again. The point is, once you allow them to be there without a struggle, you can put your energy and attention into activities you value. But if you expect that defusing your thoughts will make them go away, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment; your falling back into the happiness trap.
Ya see… that’s all well and good. Remember I still had to work through what the bf had done and I had done that. But it was back and eating away at me. I have so much on my plate that once I work through something I don’t need to replay it and redo it and go over and over it again. If I have accepted it once for GODSAKE I need to be able leave it alone and let it be. I just can’t ever let things be…. because, no Jami, they never are going to go away. And, for some reason, God gave me a brain that does NOT forget anything. Especially the bad shit. So, I have to be able to let them be… let them be…. let them be… And. It. is. so. haarrrrdddd.
The crying, aching, shaking… vomiting kind of hard. The crawl under the covers and say “fuck the world” kind of hard. But that just complicates everything even more. Sheeesh.
Round and round and round we go…..
Ok… I told ya. I’m havin’ a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory kinda day. I warned ya. Sorta sweet and scary and yummy and weird.
This one was for me peeps. So if I lost ya or bored ya…. sorry….. I feel like I just vomitted all over the keyboard though…. and that makes me feel a lot better. Ick. 😦
Ok… Over and Out!