All I wanted this morning was a little coffee, my plastic chair and some music…. that’s it. Pretty simple. Most of this week, in the back of my mind I’ve been dealing with a healthy appetite of anger. And by healthy appetite I mean a whole large pizza in one sitting – no issue! But, I’ve noticed it and tried to recognize it and play on with life. I will not tell a lie.. so far this week… Anger 9. Jami 1. Still, I’ve been workin’ at it.
So this morning I get up… get ready to assume the position – easy now… Adirondack chair, coffee, tablet and pooch on a rope. I decide to add some tunes… I head to the “drawer”. You know the one. The one that holds everything. The never ending drawer. In fact, I found my pet elephant in it this morning while looking for my headphones. So, I grab the headphones. But I don’t just grab one pair of headphones. I grab this mess.
How does that make anyone with a previous anger condition as severe as mine a happy camper… thus…. whaaaaaaat (in a very high pitched voice) kind of fuckery is this????
There are three sets of headphones wrapped up in that mess. Why is it that when I am calm and want a pair to use to go for a run I can’t find one in the magical drawer of mystery? But this morning? Sheer fuckery! That is what it is!
Then I go outside and Paisley the Pooch has this expression on her snout!
Should I just go back to bed? Seriously? This dog is never out of sorts? Not an ounce of Meangirls in this kanine.
I just want to stand up and walk around in teeny tiny little circles and whine in a really high pitched voice. Or, maybe cry a little. I am so frustrated right now. I refuse to walk back up that hill and fight on that battlefield but, Jesus Lord, the orcs have anger magnets or something.
Do you talk about the anger? I’m sure it’s anger we’ve all been through before. It’s just that I can’t let go of it. Earlier in the summer I had to do a suffering inventory. It’s from a book my therapist and I are working through called Get Out Of Your Mind & Into Your Life, by Stephen Hayes. I remember going through the exercise and I had the opportunity to call my mom and ask her about my anger as a kid. I just wanted to see her perspective of it. Interestingly, she said that even at a young age I just couldn’t let things go. That’s a serious burden, man. Sheesh. I want to let shit go. I really need to let this go with my boyfriend or there isn’t really a reason to stay together. But, there is just something in me that almost feels like I physically hold onto stuff. Even as I write this I can feel my chest tighten up – my heart hurt… my breathing shallow. I don’t want to run to my xanax bottle. But sometimes with my anger I have to because it snaps the cycle. I Haaatteeee that.
Do not climb the hill, chick-a-dee… not today. It can go on without me. Let it go on without me. I just don’t know if I can today. So much anger today.
….. spitting and sputtering and I am spending the day with him.
I play mind games with myself. But WAIT… before you say… yeah, yeah.. don’t we all. These were Rx’d. LOL. The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris, another A.M.A.Z.I.N.G read if you are ready to do some reading, suggested that we take some of the issues we are having and make them “stories” that our mind tells over and over – those “tapes that we play in our heads”. Then when we start going there we just simply recognize, politely – as opposed to sarcastically – that our minds are thinking of the story again.This is different than the tapes because once you thank your mind (I know how silly it sounds, but BE POLITE TO YOURSELF DAMMIT)… once you thank your mind for recognizing the story, you tuck it back in there and go on about what you were doing. So I do that. It’s my “Lee story”. I do notice that it takes the sting out of it for me. But… I’m losing the battle, folks. I’m losing.
**Shaking my head**
I don’t know where to go or what to do with it… I just don’t want to climb the hill and fight those smelly orcs….
I need to get on with it for the day.
Over and out peeps….