Holy O-M-G… What is my life without all of this?

Ok… so my wires are definitely crossing and the Gods of Anxiety are laughing at me right now. I am surrounded by Ogres and Orcs and other bad things that you might find in the final battle scene of The Lord of the Rings. ADHD and all of it’s glory only allowed me to watch the movie – it wouldn’t let me through the 2nd book. Anxiety and all of it’s glory is not allowing me on Google to check whether ogres were even in the books. I’d like to add other bad guys, but Ogres and Orcs is all I got. Do we understand? Shit!

I’m going back to teaching in 14 days. I finished summer school last Thursday. I had a horrible flu and thought the anxiety I was feeling then was from all of the cold medicine messing with my meds. No-no-no (waving my finger). Ya see, the cold got better. I think the cold meds are out of my system… the anxiety has gotten worse and now I’m a hot mess on the battlefield.

I mean wires are crossin’. I can’t concentrate. I DON’T want to go back to school (I’m a teacher). But, I do. But, I’m scared. That’s it. I’m scared. I have a half dozen reasons why and NONE of them a logical, valid or even real for that matter. They just aren’t even anything. I’m not even scared. Shit. I said that. I’m breathing.

Technically, I am suppose to walk away from the battlefield. This is how ACT works. Accept that the anxiety is there. *Wave* how ya doin’? It’s there. Accept that all of this bipolar bullshit is there with me. The orcs and the ogres and the bad stuff shooting at me… fightin’ with me. It’s always been there. For 48 years it’s been there. I’m well aware of that. I’ve been good all summer – with hints and dashes of this throughout. I’ve sat back in my cozy little Adirondack chair and watched the fight pretty well up to this point. But at some point just recently, I climbed the hill and joined right the heck back in! Full Freakin Force! I’m shakin… my head is clogged up again…

Wound up… wound up and ready to go… I outta be able to whoop some ogre ass and end this thing the way I’m feeling right now. So…. STOP JAMI. STOP. I have worked on this all Spring and Summer. I talk about this all the time with people. Look around you. (yes, I’m talking to myself right now – you are welcome to follow along if you’d like. But, I warn you I can have a potty mouth.). This shit is gonna happen with or without you, girl. Deep breathe. Another deep breathe. It’s there – actually it’s here all around you right now because you are choosing to let it surround you. What can I do? Step back…. step back and let it happen. I don’t have to participate in it. (Did I mention I’m crazy?) It is ok to let it go on without me. It is going to go on without me anyway. I can keep living my life. …………….. it is going to happen. It is going to happen. I am going to be anxious. I have been anxious since I was a little kid on the floor in my house on the lake… I will be anxious and have anxiety until they put me in my grave – it will never go away. BUT… I can step out of the battle… let it go on without me and move on. I know I can…. Walk back down the hill, Jami. Say see ya later…. walk back down the hill and let it go on without you.

Whew…. if you are still with me at this point… God bless you… it’s ok if you laughed your ass off… 🙂

I wonder if sometimes it’s hard for us to imagine what is next if we do get “better”?.?.?.? Or, in my case…  if I walk away and live my life while it’s going on without me. My therapist was working on this with me and said move on, live your life and let the battle continue with you. OK, I said. What am I moving on to? This has been my life – I told him. Hospitals and doctors and hiding and cutting and crying and running…. it has all been my life…. What is my life without the battle?

That’s what I’ve been working on. And, when I can finally come down from this attack today… which started when? I’m not sure… Or, should I say… when I finally walk back down that hill. I will get back to working on the life that I DO have… It’s in there. We all have a life we’ve been living. It’s the digging through the muck and dirt and crap to get to it. I’ll get back to it. I’ll stop making stupid excuses about not wanting or thinking I can go back to work next Wednesday – Jesus, that just made me take two GIANT steps back towards the bad guys. But, I’ll get there.

Holy O-M-G…. There is a life without all of this… I know there is!

Ok, thank you for listening…. Over and Out!

3 thoughts on “Holy O-M-G… What is my life without all of this?

  1. “What is my life without the battle?” That got me right there. It feels like I’ve had this storm inside me for as long as I can remember. I don’t know anything else, and yet I’ve had glimpses of a life without it. I’m glad you’re blogging about your experiences. I don’t quite know how, but it helps.

    1. I have been so caught up on the “struggle” (I hate angry words) for so long that I didn’t look around. Coming down off the hill has giving me a chance. I’m not sure I was willing to give up the fight either tho?!?! Because if I gave it up then there was the anxiety of what next????! Eh, life is just a ball of “what next”, I guess. You help me! So you keep coming online too!!!!

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