100% and the stigma of being crazy?!?!

Yeep.. no more, no less. That is what I want from people.  That is what I expect. I don’t mean to be a royal bitch, but if you tell me you are going to do something than I expect that you are going to do it.  Now, it doesn’t have to be done perfectly. I’m just lookin’ for some sweet,  heavenly follow through for a change! If you tell me feel a certain way about me, then guess what? Yes, I believe that you meant it for more than 48 mins and that it didn’t just rub off in the shower the next morning. So take a little time, folks and think before you decide to promise me a three week vacation in Fiji and your undying love.  At best, suggest that you’d like to see Fiji someday and you think I’m groovey.  I can do that.

Since I was a little kid, I have taken things very literally.  I figure that is why I ended up in mathematics and not in the Arts like the rest of my family. Or, I truly am the mail man’s kid (I can proudly say I’m too young to be a milk man baby.).  On top of it, I am humongously sensitive.  So, take a black and white thinker and pour all of this sensitive goo in there and…. well…. I’m gooey!

As you know… since I was a kid I’ve been bipolar. Well, that’s up for debate since no one is sure exactly if adolescents are truly bipolar or are they just showing features?  Yeeeeee… I don’t know. For the sake of arguement I will say that I was a hot mess and others knew it for sure… including myself. I was definitely different.  I knew it in public and I knew it in private.  My parents knew it but thought I was just an odd duck, slightly on the genius side.  I had an older sister who was slightly on the not so genius side so they played my side dumb when at all possible and so I did also.  I still do.  *shrug*

So I entered the “let’s make fun of Jami stage”. To make my point I’m going to skip over all the bullying references I could make… the sexual harrassment stuff that happened… the stuff that happens to my students who aren’t affected by mental disease – not because its not important,  but I’m trying to stay on topic.  So, I notice people start telling me things. Lying. Lots of it.. I was obviously stressin people out with my behavior or something and instead of telling me the truth, it was easier to brush me off with lies.  Only, they didnt realize I wasn’t an idiot.  Or maybe, because they assumed I was acting “crazy” I was an idiot. So, all these things start piling up… over and over.

I don’t know. Suddenly, it became a necessity for me to get their attention.  And, boy…. I had a head full of bipolar, crazy-ass, imagination to use AND intelligence to remember the stories I was creating! Whew! I’m not saying that I never got caught.  I won’t go there because, again, off topic and pretty boring. The point was/is that it didn’t matter to me.  By the time I hit college, I hadn’t been medicated yet… I was drinkin a lot (only to party – otherwise I was a loner) so that I had the “balls” to face the public and boy could I roll those stories!!!  And, I’m sure you can imagine how alcohol and unmedicated bipolar II diorder mixed with a 19-20 year old college student in the midwest. I was crazy and everyone knew it and I took full out advantage of it.

Ok, ok, settle down now. I think I’m almost proud of that paragraph. Ick. Again, again. The point is… I am now medicated. Have been for over 20 years.  Feel better than I have maybe ever.  This is where I have to get real with myself.  I am still expecting 100% from everyone.  I am still falling back on “the crazy” when I need an excuse to get my way. I’m not pushing myself to be the better person. I’m giving myself the out. Because I know I can.  People know I’m “crazy” and they aren’t surprised by it.  It’s complete bullshit.  I fight the stigma all of the time for other people.  Yet, I’ll use it when I want to…

Hmmm. This is my burden right now.  It makes me sick.  It makes me angry. It seems like an easy fix, but if you’ve read some of my stuff, I haven’t tried hard enough.  So, how about some follow through for myself for a change… 100% jamilouise… how about it?

Ok, ladies and gentlemen…. Over and Out!

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