Moments. .. scary, scary moments

So I feel like crap still physically. Thought I should define that for you. And I’m laying in bed realizing that I’m anxious as hell because I’m scared too death now that my boyfriend is going to run off on me because I’m sick and have been for almost a week. I’m scared because  that is what I heard him say to me as the reason he messed around the last time.  Granted it was a bipolar 6 month recovery sick, but still.

He’s been stressed out this week. He told me straight up that nothing is wrong. That it’s the end of the month at work. Told me to relax. But I can’t. Because last time I thought something was strange – something was.

So I said that to him. And he said. Yeah, the last time out of the last 5000 times you thought something was strange you got it right. Once. Nothing is wrong. I get that you worry. You are a woman and you are Jami. But everything is fine. Stop.

So then the tapes in my head start playing and ….. I can’t. Just can’t.

Then I wonder if it’s because of Jason and before YOU start laughing at me say of course it is…. Let’s not let Lee of the hook too easy because it was a pretty fucked up thing for him to start playing around and then tell me it was because I was sick! And don’t tell me he’s just human. Because then that almost makes Jason semi human and we do not want him human at all.

Anyway. I’m angry. I also think cold medicine messes with my psych Meds a little. Do you think that is possible?  Plus summer school is over now which means I have 2 full weeks of completely unstructured time to deal with.  And, I feel like shit.

Ok. I think you should reply to this one maybe.

Thank you. Over and out.

That was a moment of my insanity yesterday when I emailed my therapist.  God bless that guy.  I have been feeling so much better this summer but sometimes – in my case – the stars align and everything goes south in 10.2 seconds and I suddenly get lost in the thoughts in my head and I’m on that battlefield (wish I could link to other posts. Would someone please tell me how to do that!) And I can’t get my poop in a group and I lose it.

Things start swirling around in my head….
I start losing all perspective and rationale…
I can’t breath… (yesterday my cold was so bad I really couldnt.)
Out comes Betty!
And, everyone except me, is the devil!!!!!

So…. I email my therapist. Sometimes he emails me back. Sometimes he knows its enough that I vomited on the keyboard – so to speak – and we talk about it at the next session.  Sometimes I specifically ask him to reply.  Yesterday I was specific.  Yesterday I was ready to pull out all of my hair and then possibly all of the basset hound’s hair as well.  That would not have been fair to the dog!

Today, I am better.  Today I can see the battle field.  There is smoke and fire and I hear random shots going off…. but, I am safe and sound (as is Paisley, the pouch) in my little plastic Adirondack chair on my back porch with my coffee.  Admittedly, feelin a little foolish.  The big man emailed me back.  Told me I was right to be mad at my real boyfriend for what he did.  Said to lay off the cold meds.  Completely stayed away from judging me…. he’s big on that.  Completely stayed away from any mention of the non-boyfriend.  Good choice.

So, today…. new day…. go about my bizniz…. I am freaked the heck out that I have 2 weeks of nothing until I start teaching again. But I am also grateful that I have this time.  I am gonna try to rock it! Day by day! I can do this! We can all do this!

I keep coming here and reading people’s stories! We are all so strong. Even when we don’t feel it.  The fact that we get here to talk about it is evidence of that! Hang in there peeps! Please! Ya keep me going!

Over and out!

21 thoughts on “Moments. .. scary, scary moments

  1. I can tell you how to link to past entries. Give me, like, 15-20 minutes, and I’ll have it all outlined for you. And hang in here, chicky. You are strong. You can do this.

      1. 😀

        There are all these little things you can do but are so easily overlooked. Folks have been nice enough to point them out to me from time to time. I’m only to happy to pay it forward.

      2. Yeah it was a lot easier than I realized. If I wasnt such a lazy muffin sometimes I probably ciuld have done that. But I like chattin with folks also. 🙂

      3. Morning beautiful… so today was the day…. I tried to link… I don’t have the same box that you have. Do you have the upgraded version? I only have the freebie. I don’t have the “or link to existing content” box. So I don’t have two of your boxes 🙂

      4. Genius that I am….. I figured it out without the second box 🙂 🙂 🙂

        You are the best… missing you… right now I’m in anxiety crisis mode anyway and don’t make much sense…. I’m thinking about taking a few days and hiding out with some Gaiman…. seems like a logical thing to do.

      5. I know that feeling. I really, really do. You have to take care of you first, and if “hiding out” seems best, then definitely give it a try.

        I’m heading to an appointment with my therapist here in a few minutes but will be back later if you need to chat. You can also email me: jennifernalley at mail dot com. Hang in there, sweets.

  2. I know how you feel. Thanks for the comment on my blog, too. I love how you express yourself in your posts. As I read I am saying to myself, “Yep. Yep. Oh! I’m not the only one?! That’s spot on!” And other nonsense like someone will answer me. ❤️

  3. Pingback: the taste of xanax… | Missing Peace

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