about strength… a work in progress

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I don’t talk about domestic abuse. It’s a tough one to talk about here because no one wants to trigger anyone, yet this is my place… However, I knowingly come here literally as an open book. Anyway… I may go there today… FYI

My head is clearing up – as we know. My heart, while seemingly stuck in the cycle of “humpty-dumpty had a great fall”, is getting stronger daily. But, there are still things that I need to “look at”? Examine? No, that’s too much… look at… I’ll go there. I need to look at the results of what I went through outside of my mental illness and see that I did in fact come through the other side. Not just once – no, because I don’t learn from my mistakes once – not even twice…

I need to look at these things and stop glazing over them as a simple punch in the face or a – “well, he was definitely a jackass” and say “HOLY SHIT girl – It’s seriously something and you are here today to talk about it”. I need to talk about it because I need some inner-strength. I deserve some inner-strength and I think I can draw some from those messed up situations! Again, I deserve something from them.

So the question becomes… when do I actually grab a hold of some of it and say to myself “YOU MADE IT”. Or, maybe the question is… why can’t I say to myself “YOU MADE IT”? I’ve given up on the whole question as to why I continuously put myself in those situations. I just did. It doesn’t matter why. Hopefully I don’t any longer.

What is incredible to me is that I can look at other survivors and see what strong individuals they are – even if they cannot see it in themselves. I can support them. Stay with them… be there for them! But I “got nothin'” for myself except memories of harsh, harsh words that cut deep as knives and broken bones… and thoughts that I probably 1) started the problem or 2) did something to not help it….

I want to reach in and grab the rawness of the actions and hold it in my hands long enough for it to sink in… for the fear maybe to wake up something inside of me so that I can say HOLY SHIT that really happened TO ME and here I am 20 years later, 10 years later, 5 years later and I am standing and moving forward… but instead I am afraid of every little thing that goes off around me. I shouldn’t be afraid. I should stand strong! I don’t need anyone or anything to get through the day, yet I fuck it up every single time. I break down and become helpless. I cave in. Because I am afraid of ONE THING…

I am clear headed today. I am semi-unbrokenhearted ( if that were possible haha – I gotta believe it is). I cannot continue to cave in on the little things…. but if I stand up and try to do something I risk ONE THING…

That one thing… the one thing that is left..  that is still completely uncontrollable is my anger.

The smallest things happen and I fall apart and out comes BETTY (or B, for short). All my friends know her. My boyfriend is very well acquainted with her. I cannot control her.

I just feel like there is a connection between the two…. the abuse and the anger – oh, ya think, Jami?

I’m going to keep working on it.

That’s all we can do…

And so… this is day 1…

5 thoughts on “about strength… a work in progress

  1. I’m with you on your journey! I feel the same way a lot of times. We just have to teach ourselves to be proud of any little progress we make (even if it is tiny).
    We condition ourselves to be hard on ourselves and beat us down more than we ever should. I know I’m guilty of it. I’m my worst critic and I think I am not deserving of a semi-happy life. But deep down I know better. We aren’t made to be scared or miserable. We are made to be joyous and happy for the little good things that we have in our lives.
    My outlook is baby steps. I forget it often but then I simmer down and remember that any progress in the right direction is progress nonetheless.
    You have Betty. I have Kat. She’s not nice. She likes to be the manic one who tends to get me in trouble.
    I feel your pain. I really do. Hugs to you and keep trying your best. 🙂

    1. Thank you! Seriously, it is a constant work in progress. Someone just recommended a book called “The Happiness Trap” by Russ Harris. Sorry my little self proclaimed “grammar snob” 🙂 I’m not great with citing things correctly. I’m a math teacher. My father was the English professor 🙂 I’m going to check it out. Figured it’s worth a lookie.

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