A few posts ago I’d thanked whatever I needed to that my meds have been working. Now, I think I’m thanking that same “whatever” that maybe my therapy is working or something.
I would never consider that I am better. It’s a temporary experience that I am willing to hold onto for as long as I can though.
I have prayed.
I have begged.
I have made deals with every god… and every devil that exists… for some peace or breathe that I could breath for just one moment.
Now is my “MOMENT”.
I don’t know what you are all looking for exactly, but I do know we are all looking for some sort of personal respite. I know this because I know we all experience our own personal hell. I truly believe that no single person’s hell is worse than another’s. So, in saying that I think it’s fair to also say that the other side of the coin – that “un-hell” – would also be different for each of us.
I’m learning to “enjoy” right now… baby steps and all.
It’s not exactly anxiety-free – this “moment”. My “B” side is sitting back and surveying things for me… she throws out an occasional “lookout” and a “stop, stop, don’t drink the water”. She’s a delightful companion.
But, my head has never felt so clear -not in 47 years and 11 months. My heart hasn’t stopped aching like this since I can remember it beating (and I don’t mean because of heartbreak – just in general). And, I can breath right now – big, long, deep breaths!
Let me just say: It is good ladies and gentleman!!!
I can hear you all now… “Yep, she’s manic.” I never got to experience that part of being bipolar. A few very short stints – maybe – the doctors think. Sometimes I wonder if they were even correct with the diagnosis, but that’s neither here nor there.
So, I’m not here to “brag” for lack of a better term. I’m here because I have come to these places for years. I come here and I write and read – and I mostly write because I am so sad and lonely and MOSTLY ANGRY. Usually I want to just quit. Or, I want to beat the hell out of everyone who says “stop complaining and pick yourself up and move on”. Because I try every single day even when it doesn’t look like it!!! Just freaking breathing is trying in my book!
I don’t know if the stars are in alignment suddenly. I didn’t just suddenly pick up religion. I know it’s not a magic potion made up of my medicine. I am just going to accept that it’s happening. I’m going to hang onto it. I’m going to keep doing everything that I’m doing. Keep coming here and reading and writing… At the moment, mostly reading and listening – and not forgetting that at any moment this SUCKS really bad – so hang on!
I just thought that maybe I’d come and write about TODAY. Because, well, it doesn’t happen everyday. I can’t remember being able to concentrate so well… being able to breath and not feel the ache of every heart beat… of being able to want to get out of bed and not care what I was doing for the day. I can’t remember NOT CARING that I’m anxious… ’cause even though I feel so great I still get anxious and I still get angry… Pfft….
It’s still scary… it’s still weird… but I can do it… I guess this doesn’t make sense at all now that I’ve written it all down. But, I just feel ok. And, I’m just gonna go with it!