Adagio for Strength… whoops, I mean strings.

… adagio, in music, means slowly. 48 years would qualify, I think. I’ve been posting a lot of dances lately. I’m a music person. Lyrics, sound, movement… I don’t know, anything that grabs me really. Lately, I guess it’s been dance.

Truth is… I feel really great. I can’t get over the fact that my boyfriend decided to audition a girl from my part a month ago or so, but… I was doing the same. I’m not sure if I can’t get over him or me… his actions or mine. And, there it is. The struggle.

The struggle.. there is a fight within me. I’m just not sure what it is. I can’t get a handle on it. I have told so many doctors and therapists in my life that if I could just “find” it I could fix it. It would go away and I’d be better. Ha, better. That’s funny.

Instead, I slowly trudge through the days and there are good ones and there are bad ones. What I am trying hard to do is to look at the “struggle” for what it is. Just a struggle. Just a part of my day… of my life and continue on with what I am doing. To actually say, “Hey, this sucks. “Yeah, this is painful as fuck!” But what was I doing right now?” And then just let it go and get back to what I was going. I mean, that’s the theory behind it at least. Man, my therapist would be happy with me right now. Honestly, I’m rather impressed with myself at the moment.

So, for example. I’m a teacher so I’m an example person… Bare with me. I had a hefty dose of benedryl at the ER the other night for whatever the doctor thought I needed it for and it sooooooo triggered a panic attack and I tried it – the “hey, there you are, Hi.. i’m going to go on with my life now” process (that and some xanax that I snuck in with me – shhhhhh don’t tell anyone. A mental patient has got to do what she’s got to do because you KNOW the ER is not gonna give ya any when you tell them you are having a panic attack). But I digress. Normally, that attack would have lasted all night and into the next day – even with 1 mg of Xanax.

So, I held it out there (the panic attack) it was NOT easy… but I looked at it and seriously freaked out for a what seemed like 8 hours only to be probably 3 minutes. I actually got a hold of myself and got it either under control or let go of… I’m not sure the proper term. But it subsided and I could actually function. I can’t really explain it because I’m sure we all experience the physical feelings of those things differently, but I wasn’t “having” the symptoms in a way that I couldn’t function. It was there. I knew that, but I was able to do what the doctors needed me to do. And, I know it wasn’t the Xanax because believe me 1 mg of Xanax is NOT gonna stop one of those in full blown mode. So, I went home. Took some more Xanax because I’m sorry it’s sorta a security blanket sometimes. I’ll admit it. Yesterday, I was still twitchy and knew it was still there, but I was able to still go on with my day and what I really wanted to do with my day.

I think I digressed again… This was suppose to be about struggle and being angry and not knowing where the struggle is….

I guess I’m never going to find the source. I’ll never know how to “FIX” it. I guess it’s never going to go away and I know that.

But, I guess I could step out of the fight sometimes. The battle is always going to continue… with or without me. I can’t change that. I can decide to participate. I can make that decision.

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