I’ve never had to sign a safety contract in my life. I’ve seen my therapist for over 10 years. I’ve been prone to self-injure, but not on a regular basis and never severely. Yesterday I had to sign a safety contract.
Yesterday a lot happened. Doors opened. They closed. My heart shattered into tiny little splinters. I drove 5 hours round trip and listened to absolutely no music at all. I didn’t yell and scream. I didn’t talk to myself. I sat in silence…. with intermittent sobbing and one text to a friend – yes, while driving. I know – not the best life choice, but let’s face it, that’s why I was feeling the way I was/am. Poor – VERY poor life choices.
For two years I’ve been hung up on this guy…. I thought I needed him. I’d convinced myself that I needed him – or still need him. I suppose once all this pain wears off I might think I still do. I suppose I shouldn’t kid myself. I have felt like a complete piece of crap because I have this amazing boyfriend who has been through hell and back with me through my illness. Understands me… even stayed with me when he found out about the other guy…. even after that I still was/am hung up on the other one. Yesterday I found out he “cheated” on me. So much for wonderful… I deserve every minute of it.
And, that’s not even why I’m upset.
And, he’s not even cheating currently.
And, I’m not sure it’s even cheating.
When I was getting better a girl showed some interest in him…… he flirted around with her for about a month or so….. I found the messages and read them yesterday morning. They are from a month or more ago… he didn’t get rid of them because they are on Facebook messenger and he is technologically illiterate and didn’t know how to delete them. Seriously, he has a thousand messages from people on there. The “I’m sorry I love my girlfriend and don’t want to pursue this” message is on there and I read that.
I don’t even know……… I don’t even know. I’m pissed at myself because
1) I have NO right to even be upset with him – look at what I was/am doing.
2) I cheated on him and he stayed with me.
3) He put up with me being sick… almost losing my job… and stays knowing I could get really sick again.
A few days ago I had an argument with God. I was telling my friend about it and she asked who won. I told her that I did because he’s not very vocal. He’s never very vocal. I never hear anything from him…. I realize it’s my way out. I don’t have to believe if I can’t hear anything. I’m extremely literal when I want to be.
I bring this up because she told me that maybe I’m not listening for him the right way. Yeah, yeah, yeah…. I know. Then it hit me yesterday as I was driving home from my therapist….. ironically I had an appointment scheduled with him. Maybe the fact that I found those messages yesterday was God saying:
HEY… HELLO……. stop the bullshit with the dumbass. Look, this guy really loves you. If you don’t stop you are really going to lose everything. The dumbass does NOT want you. He has never wanted you. Seriously, Jami, close that door and walk away while you still can. Be pissed off at this one. It’s ok. He messed up. He’s even apologizing and agreeing he’s a jerk. But, he loves you. He wants to be with you.
I don’t know. In my head on the way home last night it was way cooler than that. And, it had way more of an impact on me. I just can’t ever write what I’m trying to say. It would have made you want to make a serious change. I’m not running off to church on Sunday. I’m sorry if that offends you. I really am. I’m not convinced it was God. However, it was a moment – the important moment that I needed…..
An hour before that I was sitting in my therapists office so angry at myself that I wanted to tear myself up. I am still in the middle of the pain and the fear that all of this is going to happen again. I am sick. I have this illness and no matter how hard I work at taking care of it….. I’m bipolar. There is no way of knowing if I will end up in the hospital again or not……. will he have to take care of me ever again? I don’t know and no one can promise that he can’t. No one. But I have to do something. He’s willing to try.
I am too……….