did I mention I can breath?

…. is “calmness” a word?

I hope it is because I don’t have another one to use for what I am feeling… a sudden calmness has come over me today.

…and all the calmness took was a courageous “fuck off”.

yes, I know that is extremely not polite. It is really not polite at all, but I feel better than I have felt in two years – since I met the guy. That’s all that really matters as far as I am concerned.

so today I welcome this word. I welcome the emotions that have arrived with it. I am angry, but it’s not a physical anger. Weird, really. It’s sort of a relieved anger. I can breath through it. My heart isn’t pounding out of my chest. I’m not shaking. I’m not crying. I can concentrate on my actual life.

did I mention that I can breath?

so today I am moving on with my plans to enjoy the evening with my actual, real life boyfriend. I’m really looking forward to it. I’m just looking forward to breathing. Lately I’ve been taking good stuff as it comes and not expecting it to really last very long – just letting it happen and taking it for however it lasts. That’s where I am right now…. in the moment, as they say. ….. yeah, yeah, I really did just say that….

did I mention that I can breath?

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