Human Addiction

round and round and round I go….
round and round and round I go…
round and round and round I go…
where it stops nobody knows….

I swear to God … the one I don’t even believe in… that if I do not stop hurting soon – hell, I don’t even know what will happen. my body might just involuntarily stop breathing. I hurt way too bad. It’s not anxiety – not a panic attack. Not really anger. Maybe it’s fear. It’s something I can’t name. I’m not sure I will ever be right again. It’s up and down. It’s nothing at all.  I can’t remember in my 47 years ever feeling this before. I think it’s a drug addiction without a drug.

Wait. Can a human be a drug?

Wait. Don’t bother answering that.

Obviously he is.
Obviously he can.
Obviosuly I can’t possibly HATE something and love something so much at the same time. I can’t know he shouldn’t be near me and yet NOT NEED him to be near me at the same time. I can’t be such a complete wreck one second and hear just an utterance from him or see a photo and feel an unexplainable calming electricity through my body the very next second and NOT KNOW he’s a fucking drug.

I just went through this two nights ago and swore to my therapist that I couldn’t feel this way again… that I wouldn’t feel this way again… I’ve been here over and over again so many times in the past two years. I was strong – I thought. I was angry – I told my therapist. I was angry… finally I was angry at him. No.. no I wasn’t. I was angry at me. Hell I don’t even know who I should be angry at. Even if I am angry. I can’t tell him I’m angry. He won’t care and that will make me more angry and then I’ll lose my mind and my anger scares me. So no! I’m not angry. That’s that. I’m not angry.

I can’t walk away. I HAVE TRIED. That’s entirely different post… an entirely different therapy session… besides… it lasts less than an hour and I’m chasing again.

How does this stop?  I need it to stop.

round and round and round I go.
round and round and round I go.
round and round and round I go.
where I stop….. I will never know.

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